Long December - Counting Crows (56)

Long December - Counting Crows

Analogies are the most underused tool in the shed. Analogies are like white crayons or floss in that they can greatly enhance ones goal at hand yet one doesn't use them enough. I would go as far to say that analogies are equivalent to BDSM for psychopath sex addicts, adderall for studyers trying losing weight, and orange soda for Kel. As soon as I had my first analogy I was hooked. They were the gateway drug to harder and more frowned upon drugs like double entendres, homonyms, and french. A well placed analogy can bring a tear to my eye quicker than an onion re-enacting Mufasa's death. Analogies (and to a lesser but equally important extent metaphors) create a semi-connection between individuals in a way that only people who "get it" get it. Get it?

I have no good transition here but the following is my presentation of a baseball-music analogy. I hope you enjoy/partially understand.

So there are 30 baseball teams in the major leagues (if you include the san diego padres). I'm going to play a game in which I make an analogous comparison for each team to a band/performer in my lifetime because goddamn it's been a long, boring, dragged out December...

We'll start off with the 1)New York Yankees. This is easy. A highly successful team that I can't fucking stand: Dave Matthews Band. I hate that motherfucker. But hit after hit (hehe) was highly successful among my peers. I don't get it. He sounds like a bitching, moaning, zany queer. So basically he's A-Rod minus the purple lips and steroids. The only DMB song I actually kinda like is Crash Into Me but every DMB fan says that is his worst song. Sounds a lot like Yankee fans and Derek Jeter circa 2011.

That was fun, let's continue. The 2)Boston Red Sox and Tim McGraw. The Red Sox are the local team around so you see all of their games. You end up rooting for them due to locality but you always end up disappointed. Likewise, you always hear Tim McGraw and people end up rooting for him more than they should solely due to exposure. And let's be perfectly honest, 80% of people go to see to the Red Sox or Tim McGraw go only to perv out on Faith Hill and Heidi Watney.

3) Atlanta Braves and Linkin Park. The Braves have always been my favorite team. 14 division titles in a row and 1 lousy world series. Just like Linkin Park. People have to respect them because they consistently "win" but they never put out that one stunner of a song/album so that they are considered great. I would say that In The End correlates to their one World Series but it kind of seems less important because of the multitude of other playoff failures. Quite the contrary, the 4)Florida/Miami Marlins are Damien Rice. Motherfuckers just load up for one year and win the World Series. Damien Rice has 4 of my top 10 favorite songs of all time and then a fuck ton of garbage. How do you go from perfection to utter shit so quickly?

5) Chicago Cubs and Backstreet Boys. The lovable losers.

6) Texas Rangers and Kelly Clarkson. Lots of Pop and no pitch. Zing.

7) Philadelphia Phillies and Taylor Swift. Lots of pitch and just enough Pop.

8) Cleveland Indians (of the early 90's) and Savage Garden (of the early 90's). Tons of hits, fun to watch, and you always find yourself rooting for them.

9) and 10) Minnesota Twins and Oakland A's, Brand New and Manchester Orchestra. Two bands with no fans that always end up in the playoffs. Great lyrics.

11) Arizona Diamondbacks and Britney Spears. HOT and talented (when they were young).

12) St. Louis Cardinals and Eminem. Consistently great over generations.

13) Kansas City Royals and Madonna. Consistently terrible over generations.

14) New York Mets and Jay-Z. Lots of money and lots of drugs.

15) Seattle Mariners and Alanis Morissette. Great run in the nineties.

16) Chicago White Sox and Michael Jackson. Black and white...

17) Colorado Rockies and Rihanna. Black and purple...

18)Baltimore Orioles and Celine Dion. They're my dad's favorite.

19) Anaheim Angels and Chris Brown. Both have mastered the hit and run.

20)Toronto Blue Jays and Avril Lavigne. Underrated and from Canada.

21)Tampa Bay Rays and Beyonce. Started winning after a name change but everyone misses Destiny's Child and the Devil Rays...especially Kelly Rowand and Fred McGriff.

22)San Francisco Giants and Cher. Really old, on steroids, and her hair is identical to Tim Lincecum's.

23)Pittsburgh Pirates and Blink 182. Their best player died young in an airplane accident.

24)San Diego Padres and Girl Talk. Mix a bunch of old parts together to try to make things work.

25)Milwaukee Brewers and Kid Rock. Both sponsored by Miller Lite.

26)Los Angeles Dodgers and Jennifer Lopez. Are hoping the divorce re-ignites the franchise.

27)Cincinnati Reds and Maroon 5. The Big Red Machine.

28)Houston Astros and Bone Thugs n' Harmony. The Killer B's.

29)Detroit Tigers and Kanye West. Asshole's of America.

30)Washington Nationals and Christina Aguilera. Huge contracts, no talent.

For the love of god somebody text me during my rotation, i swear no more dick pics...

Repeat Offender: Holiday in Spain (66), Mr. Jones (70)

BryTUNES Genius Recommendations: Anyone, Anyone - Dashboard Confessional (65), Wasting My Time - Default (34)

Crack A Bottle - Eminem (88)

Crack A Bottle

Hello blog minions (great-word-combo), it's been awhile. Contrary to popular belief I was able to complete all 31 days of October successfully as sober as John the Baptist minus the red wine. *Heel-wrestler-like self-back-pat* I'd like to give a huge thanks to Concord Hospital for scheduling me on weekdays before music videos are on VH1 and when college football re-runs are still playing on ESPN. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd also like to give a shout out to Red Bull. Days on which I would usually put myself into an Artie-Lange-like drunken stupor (Stonehill golf outing, Bowdoin parents weekend) Red Bull offered an alternative beverage that slurred my words and gave me disgusting morning bowel movements. Kudos.

Given my usual cocksure attitude you may be wondering why it took 19 days into November to gloat about my accomplishments? First and foremost I have been celebrating "Nomembah" Novembah to the fullest extent of the law. Secondly, apparently 40 hours a week writing about Viagra vaginal suppositories for fertility and researching the side effects of intracavernosal injections for erectile dysfunction (google image, i dare you) saps any and all desire to write when you get home. Semi-related side note before we continue, does anyone know how to clear a hard drive?

All kidding aside, I am proud that I didn't succumb to all you fiend-supporting, peer-pressuring, anti-Dr. Drew-like cocksuckers. Combining sobriety with MyFitnessPal and a consistent work out regimen I have lost 12 pounds since October 1. Hell, i''ll go as far to say I now look like Dan Marino minus the huge head and I didn't have the luxury of free meals from NutriSystem! My wallet has also put on a few pounds in the process = bonus points. Not to mention that 5 beers is enough to Notmembah Novembah!

Where did the motivation come from? It could have been the 4 hour blackout parade in the Old Port in late September after which I awoke with a severely swollen elbow and absolutely no recollection of 9pm-1am. Or it could have been remembering how much better I felt when I didn't have to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels to have a good time. But I think it was mostly not wanting to turn out like the Native Americans...

With all the extra time in October to try new activities what did I do? Well, I have picked up some new hobbies....

I've been Te-bowing a lot. Motherfucker just wins. Can't argue with 4-1. It's perplexing to me that every reporter in the industry jumps on Lebron James' dick because he's an oober-talented player. They ignore the fact that he's a whiny, sore-losing, bitch because he has mad skill. Yet Tebow, a squeaky-clean, hard-working, winner gets crucified every week (see what I did there?). I'll be rooting for my partner-in-crime-for-October-2011 to have a successful career.

I got on Twitter: @hackelbon #getatme. Facebook is a dying breed. Yet another case of constantly fidgeting with something good until it's no longer worth anyone's time #myspace. Facebook is to Joe Montana as Twitter is to Steve Young. #SATanalogy #passingthetorch #gohashtag. Twitter isn't perfect by any means, in fact, I still really have no idea what I am doing but the hashtag is baller.

I started smoking cigarettes. #psych

I fervently continued my obsessions with the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and Dexter while beginning new infatuations with Breaking Bad and Arrested Development.

JRE is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in a while. Thanks @takehizzle. Not only does JRE prove there are people that actually think about things more important than the Kardashians and the NBA lockout but it also gives me something to do at the gym. Side Rant: going to the gym sucks. I'm not sure if I got burned out from the year round lifting/testing at UMaine or if I don't like the smell of 55 sweaty humans in my nostrils but the gym sucks. The type of people there suck too. Either they: 1) have no idea what they are doing, 2) they think they are Terry Hogan, or 3) are stalking the slut in spandex. End Rant. Anyways, JRE keeps my mind off all the negatives long enough to get some work done #forminggoodhabits #positivethinking #ellipticalisformen

Dexter has become my second favorite TV series of all time behind South Park (Trey Stone and Matt Parker :: comedy as Watson and Crick :: DNA <---science joke FTW). The writers of Dexter supply me with what little faith I have in the human race. Well that plus listening to Taylor Swift sing. My Dark Passenger I thoroughly enjoy the show and its premise as much as we enjoy Taylor's beautiful voice.

As for Breaking Bad, it is Sodium bad ass.... #moresciencehumor #homonyms #periodictable. And it is precisely this enthusiasm for word play that has me addicted to Arrested Development. Pb right into that one perfectly.

So how did I fight the cravings? Itunes and self-control.

Now if you will excuse me I have to get back to what I do best: Crack a Bottle. #jackdaniels

Repeat Offender: greatest rapper of all time

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: I Love This Bar - Toby Keith (66), Dust On The Bottle - Alan Jackson (47), Toxicity - System of a Down (12)

**does anyone ever notice the connections between the song names in the title and genius recommendations and their relevance to the point of the blog? because if not I should probably spend less time doing it...

Cocaine (We're All Going To Hell) - Strata (98)

Cocaine (We're All Going To Hell)

Future pharmacists of the world have access to a mind-blowing number of medication databases and clinical trials. Anything and everything you would ever want to know about a drug, its mechanism of action, adverse effects, and data supporting the use of the drug is available with the use of a password that must contain at least 8 characters, one number, one capital letter, that must be changed every 3 months (overkill much?)...my question to you is who should decide whether or not a drug should be used or not?

Well despite what you think the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) which operates under the american government decides for you so you're shit out of luck. And if this isn't THE biggest injustice of all time then it is a close second to Title IX... <--google <---angry people <-- me not caring. The fact of the matter is, the government makes a FUCK-TON of money on pharmaceuticals and rich motherfuckers that benefit WILL protect their interests even if it means killing 5.2 million people a year.

5.2 million people die each year from tobacco related deaths. That is equivalent to every person in Finland dying every year. Ok bad example....that is the same as every person in Minnesota dying every year. Ok still bad example...how about approximately 5.5 times as many casualties in Afghanistan and Iraq the US has suffered fighting the terrorist attacks of 9/11...not really making a bold point but an interesting number. How about roughly the equivalent of 1,750 world trade center attacks every year. Thats right, tobacco kills the same amount of people each year as if there were 4.7 twin tower attacks each and every day for the entirety of a year every fucking year.

Furthermore, there are 33 known carcinogens PUT INTO cigarettes. In layman's terms: there are 33 substances in cigarettes that the government acknowledges causes cancer in humans. Thirty-fucking-three. Cancer.

Yet despite all of this, it is 100% legal to mass produce and distribute cigarettes all over the country. Why? Well thats because tobacco is a billion dollar industry and the corporations that produce said cigarettes are the ones funding politicians and essentially running the country.

But to be honest, I'm over cigarettes being legal. I've come to grips that the world is a corrupt place and if someone wants to sell out to gain political power (and murder 5.2 million innocent victims) I'm cool with that. That's Darwinism. If you smoke cigarettes or are naive enough to think that your vote counts then you deserve to be lead by low-life, money-hungry, murderous fuckwads.

And to be brutally honest, alcohol isn't much better (and that's not just because I've made it to October 12th sober as a judge...ok another bad example as they are also a corrupt crew but i think you get the point). Alcohol is proven to be addictive. Is proven to destroy your liver. Is proven to cause motor vehicle accidents. A pretty fucked up drug with all do respect. 100% legal.

Again I can deal with that. Trying to make alcohol illegal is insane -->the government tried that. This should have alerted the dumb fucks of our country that the government doesn't give two shits about what its constituents want but i digress...

What I'm getting at is: the fact that there is a regulating body that decides which drugs are okay to use and which drugs are not okay to use is silly. And the fact that this regulating body is controlled by a government that willingly and continually shits in the face of its citizens and that these citizens don't even realize it is more of an injustice than Title IX, cigarettes being legal, and alcohol being legal combined.

I recently found a fucking awesome quote (awesome enough to put on my facebook quotes, and thus by the law of transitive properties, as awesome as Ricky Bobby) and it goes like this:

"Interventionism leads to more interventionism, and if you can intervene to protect individuals from dangerous drugs, what about dangerous ideas? "

Basically it says that if a government can "protect" us from "dangerous drugs" what is to stop that government from suppressing its constituents' ideas when they perceive the ideas to be a threat to their power and/or wealth. The answer is nothing.

Back to drugs. Here a few abstracts taken from clinical trials I have access to...

Study 1

Results: Nine subjects were administered a total of 29 psilocybin doses. One subject experienced transient hypertension without relation to anxiety or somatic symptoms, but no other significant adverse effects were observed. Marked decreases in OCD symptoms of variable degrees were observed in all subjects during 1 or more of the testing sessions (23%-100% decrease in YBOCS score). Repeated-measures analysis of variance for all YBOCS values revealed a significant main effect of time on Wilks lambda (F = 9.86, df = 3,3; p = .046), but no significant effect of dose (F = 2.25, df = 3,3; p = .261) or interaction of time and dose (F = 0.923, df = 9,45; p = .515). Improvement generally lasted past the 24-hour timepoint.

Moreno FA, Wiegand CB, Taitano EK, Delgado PL.

J Clin Psychiatry. 2006 Nov;67(11):1735-40.

Translation: nine subjects were given doses of psilocybin that significantly improved symptoms of their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the worst thing that happened was one of the subjects blood pressure went up. Psilocybin, for those of you that don't know, is the ingredient in mushrooms that is outlawed in the United States. Another recent study at Johns Hopkins University reports that psilocybin improves Mood and personality traits such as "openness" with little to no adverse effects. Well no shit....

Well there must be a logical reason mushrooms are illegal, right? Of course: there is no easy way to corner the market on a naturally-fucking-occurring mushroom, and hence, evil corporations that rule our government cannot make millions of dollars on the product so they oppress the people of their nation and destroy the market on any substance that may threaten their cigarette profits by making them illegal. Same goes for marijuana. Many studies support the use of cannabis in the treatment of glaucoma, depression, insomnia, etc. But guess what, marijuana is a plant that can't easily be regulated or monopolized by corporations and thus is illegal. You know how many people die from marijuana and/or mushroom overdoses each year? Zero. None. You know how many more people cigarettes kill than marijuana and mushrooms combined each year? "!".

Let's continue. The following is taken from the Clinical Pharmacology website. It is the adverse effect profile of a Top 50 selling drug in the United States:

alopecia

anaphylactoid reactions

anemia

angina

asthenia

bleeding

bone fractures

chest pain (unspecified)

chills

cholesterol microembolization

coma

diarrhea

dizziness

dysgeusia

ecchymosis

edema

elevated hepatic enzymes

epistaxis

exfoliative dermatitis

fatigue

fetal abortion

fever

flatulence

GI bleeding

headache

hematuria

hepatitis

hypotension

intracranial bleeding

jaundice

lethargy

maculopapular rash

malaise

nausea

ocular hemorrhage

pallor

paresthesias

petechiae

priapism

pruritus

purple-toe syndrome

retroperitoneal bleeding

skin necrosis

syncope

teratogenesis

tissue necrosis

urticaria

vaginal bleeding

vasculitis

vomiting

This is the adverse effect profile of the drug warfarin. Warfarin is an anticoagulant used to prevent strokes and heart attacks. Oh, it is also rat pesticide. Yes, it is used to kill rats. Hundreds of studies have been performed on this drug showing adverse effects such as: alopecia = losing all the hair on your body; teratogenesis = causing of detrimental birth defects; tissue necrosis = death of tissues; ocular hemorrhage = bleeding out of your eye; intracranial bleeding = bleeding in your brain; vaginal bleeding = bleeding out your vagina. Now to be fair, there are adequate benefits of warfarin treatment but american manufacturers such as Pfizer and Bristol-Myers make between $7-9 billion dollars per year off of warfarin sales....easily dominating 60% plus of the market. Hence, you can use warfarin despite these known side effects.

Look, I am not endorsing illegal drug use. If you want my opinion on marijuana or mushrooms bring me some and we'll discuss it then. The important point here is making drugs illegal is the biggest form of oppression in our society today. It symbolizes a lack of free will to make individual decisions. It symbolizes submission of freedom that our founding fathers fought so desperately to achieve. It effects Blacks, Whites, females, males, gays, and straights alike.

All drugs should be legal. If Mr. Brown (a generic american last name and in no way implying a certain race for my example character) wants to smoke crack all day long and kill himself then so be it. How is this any different from Mrs. White (again...) who drinks herself to death?

There is no fundamental difference in actuality. But in our currently oppressed state, this fundamental choice and right is one that we are all currently deprived.

Repeat Offender: Hot/Cold (Darling Don't) (123), The Dotted Line... (77)

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: Mary Jane's Last Dance - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (89), Alcohol - Brad Paisely (10), Drug Ballad - Eminem (100)

Sober - Pink (76)

Pink - Sober

There once was a time that I possessed a stalwart will-power more steadfast than the most devout of individuals. I would adamantly stand the only person in a crowd, unwavering, determined, and overly confident that I was always right and every other douchebag person that disagreed was moronic and "obtuse" (admittedly a "closed" way of thinking and "acute" math pun to boot).

I still often feel this way but now I drink a shit ton more alcohol.

This is a brief passage outlining my goal to participate in "Sober 'Tober". "Octsober", if you will. Or whatever else you want to call it. I didn't drink the first 19 years of my life but since I started boozing in college there has undoubtedly not been a full month's period without drinking an alcoholic beverage. Not sure if that is normal? I may be naive but I would gander that 95% of 25 year olds consume at least one alcoholic beverage a week, yet alone in a month. And correct me if I'm wrong.... but the 5% that don't consume the casual drink are probably the ones that understood my "math" pun to any "degree". (too much...)

Why, you ask, would one want to participate in such a foolish event? Pride? Fear of alcoholism? To save money? To lose weight? All noble causes I suppose. I guess it's a mix of each a to a certain extent. Well that and the month of October has no proverbial "drinking holidays" and I have to wake up at 5am on weekdays to drive to my rotation site...Basically, October offers the most likely scenario in which to accomplish a month of sobriety and additionally prove to myself that my ego is indeed still bigger than yours.

Wish me luck, count down the days, or offer support but please don't offer me any Jack Daniels because I will put you in a fucking "triangle" hold. (Goddamn i make myself laugh when things come full "circle"..)

BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: The Fourth Drink Instict - Cute Is What We Aim For (21), Addicted - Saving Abel (34), Beer In Mexico - Kenny Chesney (14), No Right Angles - Ben Lee (44)

Repeat Offender: Family Portrait (50), You Make Me Sick (12), I Don't Believe You (33)

Billy Currington - Good Directions (80)

Billy Currington - Good Directions

I regret to inform everyone that i have broken a promise i made to myself roughly 14 years ago to never attend a NASCAR event.  The promise was actually more like, "I vow to myself to never attend any NASCAR event whatsoever, to avoid all conversations on the topic, to change ESPN upon reference to it, and to most certainly never sport any of its apparel."  So really, it was like i broke 4 promises to myself.

Hear me out on this one....

Last Thursday I was offered free tickets to the NASCAR event at my local YMCA.  I politely declined but was a little concerned that my appearance could, in any way shape or form, give off the impression that i would enjoy NASCAR.  Maybe i need to find a new gym?  No, i enjoy the solitude offered in the wellness center that provides me full freedom to use the elliptical and not feel like a "sissy-man" in front of other members.  Maybe they saw me driving around the parking-garage-circle a handful of times trying to find a pimp spot?  Not likely.  Maybe i smelt of booze and sweat?  Probably the most valid explanation, but i digress..

So i finished up my workout and hit the steam room.  But the whole time i was consumed with why the hell would someone offer me free NASCAR tickets?  There were plenty of other people standing there.  Why not them?  Finally some "company" joined me in the steam room and thoughts automatically shifted to "gross, how the fuck do i get out of here?" and that was the end of my brooding.

Then, sure enough, upon returning the next day for my rendez-vous with the "assisted pull up machine" that some also might consider less than manly, I was asked again to take the free tickets.  After throwing up in my mouth a little, I again declined...work out, steam room, you know the drill.  Again using much of my alone time in the steam room to mull over why me?

Being the philosophical I am, I began to wonder if this was somehow a sign.  Maybe I should go to NASCAR this weekend.  Maybe this is a valuable learning opportunity I can use to better myself.  NASCAR is widely popular (somehow)...maybe I am supposed to be there.  Possibly to save someone's life or to finally meet Taylor Swift?  I would never go to an event unless it was free.  This is free.  Fuck it, I'll take the tickets.

At this point I still hadn't broken a promise to myself.  Text to brother: "wanna go to NASCAR this weekend?".  Response: "Haha awesome yea let's do it".  Okay, now I had broken the promise.  We were officially attending.

Over the next 48 hours I fell back on the remainder of my promises.  ESPN talked about the "Sprint for the Cup", I cringed and listened.  Wal-Mart, Budweiser, NASCAR shirt, NASCAR hat, picture in front of Wal-Mart with NASCAR shirt and hat...check, check, check, check, and check.  Childhood-me would disown me for sure.  Then, came the event...


Earmuffs.


To put it simply, HOLY FUCKING CHRIST.  To say that this was a life-altering experience would be more of an understatement than saying John Lackey is an ugly fucking cunt who is by far the worst pitcher in the history of the major leagues.  I was oblivious to the fact that there were actually people in the world that existed like the people I saw today.

I'll start with the bad.

First of all I've never seen so many "THAT-GUY-IS-A-FUCKING-PARENT!?" people in my entire life.  This place was fucking enormous.  E. Normous.  Like 100,000 people.  That is a shit ton of people.  And every third person with child looked like they should literally be put down for the sake of humanity.

100,000 people!  Thats like two sold out Yankees-Red Sox games at once.  And in this 100,000 people there was exactly zero gay people, exactly zero black people, and exactly zero attractive females.  None.  100,000 straight up white trash, bible thumping, cousin-fucking, jean-short-wearing hillbillies.

I've never seen so many: men with two nipple rings, overweight men who enjoy having their shirt off, fluorescent ear plugs, full ham-leg concession stands (literally pig legs, like your more conventional chicken legs), RV campers, or patriotic morons in my entire life.  For the avid followers who may recall my trip to Fenway resulting in a 5% rate of people in attendance I would actually enjoy having a conversation with...I will gladly re-tract that statement and go on record saying that I would not only talk to, but marry and even have sex with 80% of said Fenway-goers (male and female) rather than having to talk to 5% of the NASCAR-goers.  Yikes.

Now, the worse...

 Since 2005, my parents have taken mentally handicapped clients into our house.  This is an extremely challenging and oftentimes frustrating job.  I am truly grateful that my parents have sacrificed over the years for the benefit of not only the clients but also me and my siblings.  We have made many friends that are forever a part of our lives:  Stone Cold Stevie Stetson, Uncle Joe, Pissy Chrissy, Sean Crable.

That being said, I am willing to say that I would gladly jump in the back seat of a car driven by any of the clients that have lived at our house than about 60% of the attendees I saw driving cars at this event.  Shocking. "Bro, look out, I'm pretty sure that person driving that car is mentally handicapped."  "Haha".  "No, seriously."  "Oh, shit you're right."

Okay.  Now that we've fully established that I'm going to hell, let's take a look at the good.

First and foremost I would like to give NASCAR drivers some respect.  This by no means signifies that I believe you are athletes, you are not.  But you are driving really fucking fast and there should be something said for that.  There were literally sparks coming off of the bottom of the cars coming around turns.  Color me impressed.  And they came literally within a dick-hair of hitting the wall every time they came around the corner turns.  Touchez.

Secondly, NASCAR itself has at least a few good things about it (never thought I'd see the day).  You can bring your own beer into the track!  That, my friends, is fucking awesome.  As long as you have a cooler no larger than 14 inches.  How is it that NASCAR is the only event that allows this?  That's beyond messed up.  Also, NASCAR has free event parking.  Literally the two biggest pain in the asses in any and all sporting events is parking and booze prices, and NASCAR has done away with both.  I was literally amazed.  Also, they basically had police escorts for all drunken idiots right to the highway.  Orange cones, closed lanes....they might as well crack your beer for you while reminding you to put your blinker on.

Lastly the people of NASCAR possessed 4 great qualities.  1) Loyalty.  2) Patience.  3) Civility. And 4) Great Pissing Accuracy.  1) These motherfuckers are loyal to the lord jesus christ and to dale earnhardt jr.  For real, i know a lot of people "obsessed" with the Red Sox or the Yankees...but they don't even scratch the surface of how obsessed these people are with their racers.  I would actually be scared if i were a driver.  2) Patience.  These motherfuckers sit there for 3 hours and watch cars go in circles.  Props to their patience.  We lasted 128 laps (a little over an hour).  Okay we get the point, let's beat all these retarded drivers to the highway.  3) Civility.  This is the most important one in my book.  I was truly impressed by the civility of the fans.  You put 100,000 truly retarded hillbillies at a track rooting for their respective idol drivers with 14 inch coolers full of Budweiser and what would you expect?  I figured I'd see over or under about 300 fights.  None.  Not even an altercation.  Thoroughly impressed.  I mean I was at the Old Port the night before and saw some dickhead fight in the middle of the street.  And that was a "normal" (relatively speaking) person who had to pay 4 bucks a beer or something absurd.  4)  Impeccable Pissing Accuracy.  And lastly, there were porta-potties you could eat off of at this place!  Unbelievable.  Every other public bathroom i've ever been in has literally been coated in a layer of STD-infested piss.  Not a drop of urine anywhere.

That's all I've got.  At least I didn't go to a soccer match.

Repeat Offender: People Are Crazy (90)

BryTUNES Genius Recommendations: Fast Cars-Tracy Chapman (33)

Chicago - Inspiration (23)

Inspiration

So I am in the midst of my longest blog hiatus since the birthing of Biological Web Gemistry. At first I thought I had "blog block" but in reality I have just been busy with finishing pharmacy school and taking a sweet ass vacation to chicago with the lady friend. So here goes an extra long entry as to not screw the proverbial fan out of its dollar...

First off, I am done with finals for-fucking-ever and it feels amazing. I took this opportunity to celebrate by making "Facebook friend cuts". With each beer and each "unfriending" the festivities grew to be more and more rambunctious. Boom, behind-the-back-unfriend. Eyes-closed-unfriend. Dancing-to-Mr. Jones-by-the-Counting-Crows-unfriend. I woke up with a slight hangover and only "(22)Most Recent". Sorry to those who didn't make the cut. If you would like to try again next year I suggest you work on improving your punctuation, liking my statuses, being funnier, or posting more bikini pictures.

Secondly, I took a pimp ass vacation to Chicago. I saw baseball games at Miller Park, U.S. Cellular Field, and Wrigley Field AND got to see Eminem live at Lollapalooza. Fuck yes. A much needed and long awaited getaway and with the Mrs. and an old friend from the Webber Oil Little League days.

The vacation was not only extremely fun and relaxing but also allowed my brain full freedom to entertain topics that usually fall by the wayside of pharmacotherapeutics and fantasy baseball....i will share with you these thoughts in the following installment entitled,"Unrelated Thoughts On Unrelated Topics I Found Interesting While I Was In Chicago".

1. The first two thoughts are concerning elevation. If heat rises AND you get closer to the sun as you get further from the earth then why are the tops of mountains and space cold? It seems to me that the further off the ground you get the warmer it should be. These rules tend to work in my house...the basement is cooler than the first floor which is cooler than the second floor and the attic is sweltering. But in airplane world i sweat my balls off while the useless attendants inform me that if in the off chance we smash into the ocean and survive my seat doubles as a floatation device but as we approach 10,000 feet i am slightly chilled. Which got me to thinking that the tops of mountains have snow on them....what the fuck? This makes no sense and is outright perplexing. Just another example of science being absolute bullshit i guess. As we began our descent and i was cooling off (hilarious pun directed at becoming less angry at science while in fact i was paradoxically warming up as we approached our landing site) my ears began popping....thought number two: ear popping has to be one of the best 3 feelings in the world. If sneezing is considered 1/16th of an orgasm then ear popping must be considered at least 1/8th of an orgasm (thats 2/16th for the 1/2 of you who suck at fractions).

2. The next thought is random yet intriguing....the only people you pay while sitting down AND using strictly one dollar bills are strippers and toll booth workers. The only other similarities between the two occupations i could muster were that they are usually unpleasant and i most often do not want to see them naked.

3. Next thought was roadkill . I see roadkill all the fucking time. All the time. But have i ever even see a animal try to cross the interstate? Not once. So let's do some math here (sorry fraction oppositionists)... Say I drive the 3 hours from new hampshire back home to Bangor 5 different times. A conservative guess is that I see 25 pieces of road kill per trip. So 5 trips times 25 road kill puts us up to 125 road kill total. Likewise, let's assume i see 1,000 drivers per trip. This gives us 125 road kill to 5,000 drivers total. So 125 road kill/ 5,000 drivers presents me a with a 2.5 percent chance to hit a little fucker every 3 hour trip i take. And mind you that this is just actual actual roadkill, who knows how many animals narrowly survive the crossing of I-95. Naturally, the only two conclusions I could materialize were that 1) I pay very little attention to my surroundings while driving on the interstate or 2) I am bound to see like 625 animals on my next 5 trips to make the statistics work.

...Sort of related, to hit a porcupine you must be a terrible driver. I see zero scenarios in which i would actually hit a porcupine presented with the challenge of avoiding one on the road.

4. Next, in large groups of people it is foreigners and slightly-chubby-ugly people that cross personal boundaries. Listen, if we are standing the same fucking line or are at the same concert, don't fucking touch me. Is it that hard? Jesus. We're going to the same exact place/can see the performer exactly the same. Why do you feel it necessary to touch me? Foreigners are bad at this yes...but slightly-chubby-ugly people are the worst. Foreigners don't know any better. These slightly-chubby-ugly people know perfectly well that they are being annoying fucks and do it out of spite of being chubby and ugly. And for clarification sake, the annoying person must both be chubby and ugly at the same time. There are many friendly chubby people and many friendly ugly people that can interact perfectly normal in crowded situations but as soon as you get that mix of both "chubby and ugly" you will be in contact with their sweaty asses guaranteed.

Okay enough of that bullshit. Apparently i need fantasy baseball to offer insightful thoughts on life. One of the most INSANE things in the history of the world is that the Norway bomber/shooter dude is in custody and awaiting trial for the killing of 91 innocent people. Note that i referred to this cocksucker as "dude" because the entire purpose this psychotic rampage was to gain attention in order to extend his distorted views on an international stage and i will not comply...

Literally, WHAT. THE. FUCK.

This guy is a mastermind serial killer. This guy bombed the fuck out of a bustling building in the heart of the city and, meanwhile, he posted out on a retreat island dressed as a motherfucking cop and managed to snipe out 91 innocent TEENAGE summer campers. Now, sure, we all try to swerve at squirrels on neighborhood roads (and apparently porcupines on the interstate when we are lucky enough to see the creatures) but TEENAGERS?! The fuck?. This dude is not dumb. He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing, fact.

Yet, despite extensive video evidence and first hand reports from teenage victims (that were literally shot and pretended to be dead in order to survive) stating that this crazy fuck shot and killed 91 teenage campers over the course of over 2 hours, this man sits ALIVE and in custody.

Furthermore, i would like to point out to you that upon arrival of law enforcement agents this man willingly set down his weapons and surrendered to the agents of the law. Naturally, officers cautiously approached and subdued the psychotic victim and took him into custody and didn't blast the cocksucker's head off...

Mandatorily supplied lawyers obviously planned to plead insanity in order to protect their client. First: well no fucking kidding this guy is insane. Second: why the fuck does being insane allow the dirty, no good, low life, son-of-a-fucking-bitch to continue to be alive to this day?

This is what's completely backwards in the world today...innocent people are endlessly ridiculed and eventually ruined due to consistent attacks of character while the sick bastards of the world can circumvent the legal system and get 3 square meals a day in prison for 40 years until they die of natural causes despite slaughtering children.

If it were up to me this delinquent should be tortured, beaten, slugged, molested, and taunted to the point he finally begs for mercy and then we should put a bullet through is temple. There is no justification for his actions. He knowingly premeditated the slaying of innocent juveniles in attempt to (FUCKING SUCCESSFULLY) gain national media attention and without opposition has conscientiously manipulated our pathetic legal system in an attempt to advocate his lunatic beliefs.

THAT, my friends, is fucking insane.

Repeat Offender: Will You Still Love Me (19)

BryTUNES Genius Recommendation: Chicago-Mat Kearny (33), Chicago-Kate Voegele

Taylor Swift - Cold As You (75)

Cold As You

Google says that Global Language Monitor says that there are over 1,009,753 words in the English language. It took me nearly 25 years to find the one word that most fits me without fault. There are some close 1st runner-ups. Impassive. Dickhead. Trenchant. Contemptuous. But if you're not first your 1,009,753rd.

First and foremost, you may ask why find one all-encompassing word to explain the person you truly are? And I would counter with why are there toll booths? Seriously. Why the fuck do I have to pay between 75 cents and 2 dollars to cross an imaginary line?

Anyways, when I have 3.5 hours alone to drive from the miserable city of Manchester all the way home I think about a lot of weird shit. And there is just something to be said about the feeling of resolution one achieves upon discovering something that fits so flawlessly. The only comparable feeling is the perfect execution of a quarterback option.

Jealous.

I am jealous of 98% of people on this planet.

There are three definitions of jealously on my computer dictionary (the dictionary that "bumps" up and down only once on my macbook as opposed to every other app on my toolbar that bounces up and down at least 3 times when you open it...weird).

1) feeling or showing suspicion of one's faithfulness in a relationship.

Not at this point in my life. Maybe in middle school. Being jealous in this sense of the word is a waste of time. I am thankful to be in a relationship in which this is not an issue. There is a mutual agreement that if one person doesn't want to be faithful then they should tell the other person before acting or be they will be severely slaughtered after the fact. I recommend being honest with your significant other, it un-complicates a lot of things and essentially eliminates guilt and anxiety from your life.

2) fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

Definitely not. In fact, I don't recall ever being passionate enough about anything in my life to even verbally argue over it. This definition is however the perfect segway into the prize winning definition...

3) feeling or showing envy of someone or their accomplishments or advantages.

I am 100% jealous of any person in this world that truly has faith. I believe in nothing and I accept that. I have no passion like jealots from definition number 2. Do you know how hard it is to connect with a person who believes in nothing? And accepts it?

Let's preface the remainder of the discussion by assuming that every person wishes to connect with someone or something in life. I only have to look as far as the concept of "pets" to justify this notion. Pets are expensive and often times smell bad. But pets are one of the best short cuts to actually connecting with another being. They are loving, honest, forgivable, and loyal. They show unconditional love toward you and accept you and all of your faults with no questions asked. They are in a sense miniature perfect humans.

However, pets are relatively novel in terms of biological history. For instance, fish don't have pets. Apes don't have pets. Humans have developed into the most sophisticated beings on this planet and in an attempt to minimize and dilute the desolate feelings that stem from the ability to comprehend the emptiness of existing have contrived the temporary solution of "pets".

Now....I love animals and they have always been weirdly friendly toward me. Cats, dogs, puppies, even human babies (basically pets) always seem to enjoy sitting on my lap. Maybe I smell bad and they like that? Maybe they recognize that I believe in nothing and this makes it very hard to connect with another cognitive human being without being judged or criticized and thus are being empathetic? Or maybe they just don't believe in anything either and recognize one of their own...

I am "envious of the advantage" conferred to people that are able to be naive enough to believe in something. I just can't fathom. There is a disconnect for me. I listen to your explanations and I listen to your opinions and it makes no goddamn sense to me. I hear you. You can't convert me, I KNOW that the only sensible belief is in Nothing. Deep down inside I KNOW you agree but you are capable of convincing yourself otherwise. And that makes me jealous. It is so much easier for you to connect with people.

Before continuing I have to clarify the definition of "faith" I am using. Basically I am referring to your faith as the single most thing you care about in the entire world. This definition excludes only one thing: family. This is because there is an undeniable loyalty among parents and children...the same connection we emulate through pets. Unconditional love is truly unique.

That covered, it is still not impossible to connect with people. Some people get it. And you, sirs, are the people I want to drink Jack Daniels with. As I conversed with my sister and my two best friends from home over the weekend there is a connection. We all share a similar outlook. It could be that we relate to and enjoy Dexter for faking most human emotion in order to "fit in" with the 98% of people that actually have faith/passion. Or it could be because we've become complacent with the difficulty in trying to connect with other individuals. For some reason, there is a connection.

The thing that blows my mind is that EVERYONE is on the path to one day believing in nothing and they endlessly deny it. And thus making it impossible to connect with them. Often times, they even try to cover up believing in "Nothing".

Every religion. Every single religion believes in Nothing. You literally put faith in to an IDEA....you put you're faith in literally Nothing. Yet these people try so hard to make this Nothing into something more than it is. Churches, prayers, rituals, bread, wine, crosses, propaganda, Bibles, Koran...all are an attempt to establish some sort of physicality or reality for the Nothing they actually believe in. These people believe in nothing but don't accept it.

Alcoholics, stoners, and illicit substance abusers. They spend their time getting fucked beyond comprehension until they not only accept but enjoy the experience of Nothing. They embrace the idea of nothing and enjoy experiencing Nothing to the point it controls their lives. Suicide. Perhaps the people that realize Nothing and can't handle it.

This emptiness or nothingness is just a Universal feeling that everyone tries hard to avoid. Psychiatrists exist specifically because of it. Depression medication is everywhere (much to thrill of future pharamacists of the world). Everyone tries so fucking hard to avoid emptiness and nothingness. Why can't you just accept it?

Everything is fake. People obsess over celebrities, sports, religion, food, Paris Hilton, careers, insert your "faith" here....and it's all an attempt to hide from the fact that nobody really cares about anything. We as humans are tortured because we comprehend the fact that there is nothing of substance to believe in. And it is the suppression of this comprehension that impedes genuine human connection.

So if you are willing to expose the fact that you comprehend in nothing, grab some whiskey and let's be friends. And if you're not ready yet, you can rub my tummy and clean up my shit if it makes you feel better.

Repeat Offender: Should've Said No (88), Enchanted (77)

BryTUNES Genius Recommendation: Stay Wide Awake- Eminem (89)

Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms (45)

Hey Jealousy

This is a topic i've tried to tackle on many occasions. But every time i try to start to write about it i get so pissed off and sidetracked with nine thousand other tyrannical rants of mine that can't finish. But since the Bible says we're all going to die tomorrow I figured i'd try.

Hahahahahaha.

We all i know believe the bible about as much as i believe lance armstrong has two testicles. But for every anti-religion bone in my body there is an equal and opposite bone of "you never know for sure about anything". So, i decided to finally tackle this just on the off-chance we do all die tomorrow...because i would be sooo pissed off that those weirdos were right i'd probably get sent to heaven as punishment and never get to tell my friends how i really feel.

"Rapture" will not end the world. The qualities of humans will end the world. Qualities displayed everyday on Facebook.

Facebook embodies all that is wrong with American society. And i'm not talking about the unsophisticated, materialistic, superficial statuses about why your life sucks people. I'm not talking about the annoying "every 45 second update of what your pride and joy shit machine did today" parents. I'm not talking about the painful to endure "spelling mistakes or stupid abbreviations" asshole. Or even the pathetic attempt for attention by stating that you are "deactivating your account later that night" person. I'm not even talking about the most faithful of Farmville users.

Don't get me wrong. Those people suck. But there lives an even lower breed.

Who must he be talking about? It must be the conceited girl that untags all but only the perfectly photoshopped pictures of herself. Or the re-post this status because *un-friend* person. Maybe it's the annoying poster/messager that can't take a hint that you don't give a shit about them. Or the "just answered a question about you that you can't see unless you add this app" person? Or maybe the person with a dragon as a profile picture..and a race-car as their only other profile picture? Or the "righteous, arrogant, chauvinistic asshole that posts his blogs as updates" guy?

Contrary to popular belief, these are the people that make Facebook good. Facebook is an extremely unique social networking idea that allows everyone the chance to express themselves to a willing audience. Facebook is fucking incredible. It blows my mind (no sarcasm). The fact that you can keep tabs on literally everyone you've ever really met (or partially met, or were at the same party with, or stalked through a friend of a friend) is incredible.

See Mark Zuckerberg was a fucking genius. He manipulated the fact that all any person ever really wants is to be heard. Plain and simple. He combined the human necessity of needing to be important with technological advances and created something bigger than anyone could ever imagine. Golf clap.

People can bitch and moan about life all year long. They can say happy birthday to old and new friends alike. You can create an idealistic profile of yourself for all the world to see. Facebook is connecting people in a way never before fathomed on this planet. We are literally taking part in one of the most historical events of all time.

But just like everything in life, people ruin it. Side rant...fuck i tried to avoid this but it is necessary....people are the root of all evil. Not money (we created money), not religion (we created religion), not Oprah. Well, she plays a huge role but i digress...

The people that ruin Facebook are the same people that will REALLY bring this world to an end (not Christians). The most low-life, undeserving, unproductive, delusional, pointless, idle, futile, immoral, demonic, sinister, heinous, wicked, unethical, immoral son of a fucking bitches are the people that go on Facebook with the sole purpose to incriminate another individual.

What makes America so great is fucking FREEDOM. Freedom of speech, freedom of press, freedom of religion. So what the FUCK do you care if little johnny is drinking with his parents? Why the FUCK do you care if underaged athletes party with one another in the spirit of building camaraderie? Why the FUCK do you care that your potential employer has pictures of her tits hanging out?

This really, really, realllly fucking pisses me off. I understand that there are college athletes that happen to be underaged that are getting suspended from games because they post photos of themselves drinking. That is stupid. And I understand people lose their jobs over stupid shit they have on Facebook. That is stupid too. But listen fucker, if you won't hire me because of something on my Facebook then not only do i never want to work for you in the first place but i hope you die an excruciating death. Fucking relax. It's a fake profile where people are way cooler and more important than they ever will be in real life. Why don't you just understand that you stupid fucking dumbass.

My parents are always like, "be careful what you post online". And I understand that is what they are supposed to tell me. And i understand that they are just looking out for me.

I UNDERSTAND BUT ITS FUCKING STUPID.

THESE DOUCHEBAGS ARE RUINING FACEBOOK.

FACEBOOK IS ABOUT FREEDOM.

INCRIMINATING OTHERS FOR THINGS ON THEIR FACEBOOK PROFILE IS UN-AMERICAN, COWARDLY, AND AN EMBARRASSING ATTEMPT TO COMFORT YOUR LOUSY, PATHETIC EXISTENCE.

I HATE YOU.

EVERYONE HATES YOU.

YOU ARE THE REASON THE WORLD IS DOOMED, NOT SOME FABRICATED RELIGIOUS NOVEL.

Repeat Offender: Allison Road (21), Found Out About You (18)

BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab (88)

Family Business-Kanye West (76)

Dear Steven,

I'll get straight to the point and say that I don't totally fucking hate your guts.

You're a nice enough guy and deep down I really don't think you meant any harm...and I can respect that. Those words were totally forced but its the truth.

Nonetheless, 3 years ago today you extinguished the last coal of what used to be an exuberant fire that once burned inside of me.

I rarely expose myself to anyone fully. It may be because i fear scrutiny? It may be because knowing a person's honest opinion of you is intimidating? I'm not really sure why I'm not more forthcoming... but I'm a little buzzed right now and anyone who passes judgement can go fuck themselves.

I understand that I may have come off as cocky/arrogant/racist/chauvinistic/inconsiderate in previous blogs. If I haven't offended you at least once before then I suck at blogging. Thats the persona I've chosen to write with because it's easy to spark controversy and it fulfills my fiend for sarcasm. However, this now makes it difficult to really talk about things I consider important while having people take me seriously...but that's the bed I've made and now I've got to lay in it...so take this however you may.

I really used to care. I used to care about being successful and doing great things. We all had our childhood dreams of grandeur....astronaut, ballerina, baseball player what have you. A limited few became so impassioned that they actually did achieve their childhood dreams. I envy you at times....but there must be some disappointment in conquering the only challenge you've ever focused on, so I pity you at times as well. For the most part, however, people stray from their dreams and pursue either shit they're good at or end up doing something that just fucking works enough for them enough to stay sane. I did a lot of shit that I was good at just for the sake of it but I always truly believed, for one reason or another, that I was going to play professional baseball.

Feed your own sarcasm fiend here blog friends....

Okay now that that's out of your system....why the fuck should have I thought otherwise?

You want cocky/arrogant? I was good at everything as a kid. Looking at my old report cards might make you sick. I got all A's from 2nd grade until a junior in COLLEGE excluding one B. You want geometry, I gave you geometry. You want poetry, I gave you poetry. You want me to memorize this, I would memorize this. (And as a side note, the B game in 7th grade art...and it was because i gave a copy of my art report to a friend who whited out my name and put his own so "we got caught cheating") My high school GPA was 4.2. Thats not a typo. I was the quarterback of the football team. I was the prom king. I made the basketball team without even trying out because of a broken ankle. I was the only freshman on varsity baseball. All-star teams, state championships....if i go any further my head might suffocate you.

The thing is though I was shy as fuck. I lacked "swagger". I was innocent. Sheltered. I was an impressionable kid. Thank god that my parents knew what the fuck they were doing. Thank god my grandparents knew what they fuck they were doing with my parents. They raised me to be that way and I am thankful for that.

I never drank in high school. I never smoked anything either. And there is no doubt in my mind that kids (friends, former friends, classmates) mocked me for it or that somehow not partying made me lose credibility in their eyes but I didn't care. Fuck them. I am going to play professional baseball. From day one I truly bought into "be all you can be" and "you can do anything" and I was successful so it worked for me. Why did i believe? I don't know. I just did.

Fast forward to college. I passed up going to Bowdoin (a much better school at which I was recruited for football and baseball) to play D-1 baseball at UMaine. I was going to the fucking show, obviously. Now, I'm not delusional (most days)...I knew I wasn't the most skilled baseball player in the world. I knew I wasn't the best baseball player on our team even...but baseball is the one sport where a 5'11'' white guy willing himself to the major leagues isn't unheard of (see david eckstein, adam kennedy, tim hudson, etc..) I was going to make it.

The fire inside of me slowly died over the next 3 years. It probably started flickering when I started drinking alcohol like david hasselhoff. Who knew "preparing for rookie party" would turn into "owning the baseball house and having huge keggers" in a matter of about 14 months? That was just a flicker though...I can lay may head down at night saying I worked my fucking ass off on the field and in the weight room (unlike most Black Bears) with no regrets. Alcohol and lack of effort isn't what put out the flame.

Next, real life came in with a huge douse of flame destroying. Within 6 months I lost my grandmother and a couple of close friends. My grandmother lived 10 mins from campus and I had been going to her house ever since I can remember to play boggle, rummy, and just hang out with family. It was quick, unexpected, and it was a huge blow. I am tentative to write about the next huge flame extinguisher because it makes me uncomfortable. I watched an amazing person die. Literally saw it happen. And then within 4 months I left her sister not in the most noblest of ways.

Quite a downward spiral from "be all you can be". I had lost a lot of faith and dignity in a short time but I always owned up to my mistakes...there were a few good qualities that stuck from all the years of molding from mom, dad and the grandparents...honesty, sincerity. I'm not perfect. But by god I will not fucking lie to you and I will not intentionally do things to harm another person. That is legitimately the only conscience I live by. Shit happens, poor decisions are made,everyone regrets.... just don't lie or act with premeditated malicious intent.

Despite all of this I still had the ability to "hide things well". You want me to hide weakness, I'll hide weakness. Sprinkle in a few more 4.0 semesters and earn the starting shortstop position and everything seems just perfect. The coals of the fire hadn't burnt out yet.

Call it fate. Call it poor luck. Call it the nature of the beast. Call it Steven being a dickhead, yellow-bellied, cowardly liar. It is what it is. Don't preach one gospel when you believe another. I busted my ass for you. I gave my heart and soul to your program. I played for months when I couldn't even pull my own stirrups up in the morning because my thumb was so swollen. I went 7 full at bats in the dome without taking a fucking swing before I could get a cortisol shot "behind your back" in order to stay in the lineup. (for those of you who don't know jack-shit about baseball watch one game and see how many players don't take a swing during an at bat and it will suddenly appear how difficult it is to do this without looking like a complete jackass...thanks to the friends and teammates who rejoiced at the accomplishment with me).

I wasn't good enough for you. I'm fine with that. But what I took personal is that you are a fucking liar. Don't feed me bullshit. You're parents didn't teach you not to lie? You crushed the remaining coal of my fire with your ugly fucking new balance turf shoe.

Steven, you tore my heart out on April 15th, 2008 and not even 108 tiny red double stitches can repair it.

And just for the record, that e-mail I sent to you about my decision to leave the game of baseball wasn't just sent to you either. 15 copies were sent to teammates that I respected a hell of a lot more than I respected you because I knew you wouldn't tell them the fucking truth about what happened. They still talk to me too...not like a coward that doesn't admit to their misdoings.

Family and the values they instilled in me as a child are more important than baseball, Steven.

Sincerely,

#34

Family Business

Waiting For The End - Linkin Park (50)

Waiting For The End (50)

It's my spring break. A sincere thank you to the twats at mcphs who so awesomely put a therapeutics exam the first day back from break. Oh and for making us have to write a thousand SOAP notes so basically this isn't a week off at all...i would more accurately call the next week an opportunity for overachievers to get some shit done ahead of time to make their life less miserable over the next 2 months. And for everyone else it's a break from all of the constant nonsense and a window to fill your body with toxins and enjoy yourself until you realize you should have been doing stuff ahead of time so that the next 2 months wouldn't have ended up being a miserable fucking disaster. (And yes, I realize that I changed tense a record number of times in this sentence for anyone keeping track...and yes i am somehow talking in past tense about future times...and this is a run on sentence.) I haven't decided which group I'm going to be in yet but if last night's escapades and the pounding headache I have right now are any indication, I expect to be in group 2.

Anyhow.... i'm obviously not going to do anything productive today so I might as well do something i enjoy: drink jack daniel's, visit with my family, watch Dexter with Lindsey, and FANTASY BASEBALL DRAFT. I'm so excited my nipples are tingling. Since only 16 people I know will really care about the remainder of this blog only 10 people actually "follow" my blog, i've tried to spice up my writing technique to keep all interested while giving a candid look at what goes on in the mind of the best fake general manager this side of dan marino that one time for the dolphins.

I've had a lot of callings in my life....

Number 1: Professional Baseball Player---was a legitimate possibility when i was tearing up T-ball in pittsfield maine and all i ever did was swing a bat. It's pretty unrealistic at this point however, seeing as how for years 13-17 of my life all i did was eat starburst and drink pepsi and not inject myself with steroids. That and my ankles are about as dependable as Stretch Armstrong's.

Number 2-Professional Wrestler. I would have been a fucking awesome wrestler and i even wore tights once for halloween and they weren't all that bad. However, seeing as how for years 13-17 of my life all i did was eat starburst and drink pepsi and not inject myself with steroids i don't see it happening now. That and i'm not that outgoing or talented on a microphone. In fact, i was told last night that i sound like a "little boy" on the mobile phone.

Number 3: President of the United States. Still a good possibility here I believe. I need to brush up on politics and foreign stuff but after that i should be all set. I can get around to that by 35 i suppose. If you have a catchy slogan and/or platform and/or any idea how to hide all of my blogs so that they can't be used against me by my competitors in their smear tactics i'll save a Cabinet position for you.

Number 4: Guy Who Puts Songs in Movie/Commercial Soliloquies. I would be FANTASTIC at this. I have a knack for painting pictures of what should happening in a film during crucial parts of songs. Like yesterday i was driving home listening to Linkin Park's new album One Thousand Suns (haha i put Sons at first...maybe a solid rap album name for say Antonio Cromartie...). Anyways, Waiting For The End came on and i fucking visualized the perfect movie scene for it...okay so this would be a one minute and 10 second soliloquy starting at the 0:45 mark in the attached video to the 1:55 mark. The lyrics:

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strength to stand

This is not what I had planned

It's out of my control....

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It's hard to let you go...

I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie,

All I wanna do

Is trade this life for something new

Holding on what I haven't got.

So the scene in the movie: there would be a man in a darkly lit room. A whiskey on the rocks on the table. Crown Royal. An ash try would be on the table too. The man looks sleep deprived and stressed. He is having an internal battle with himself. He hates his life. He hates what it has become. Let's just say for details sake that he spent most of his life earning his law degree and it's all he ever wanted to do. He's really good at what he does. He is in the middle of an important case in which he is about to get a man that he knows for certain murdered another man off the hook. He has to win the case to keep his prestigious career. The man killed was someone he didn't like, possibly an ex-lover of his smoking hot wife (who is played by a slightly better looking, less annoying kim kardashian). Just pure conflict. The camera swirls as he leans back in his chair and morbidly puts his head up against the wall. He undoes his tie and ruffles some papers. There is a briefcase on the floor. The floor is dark hardwood. Boom soliloquy.

If you listen to the clip and can't imagine this then you suck. I'm going to be so pissed when some movie director soliloquies (who uses soliloquies as a verb? can you even do this? who is going to stop me? mark twain did what he wanted.) this song in a similar situation and i don't get paid. How does one become a music-scene-selector person??

Number 5 and the reason for this blog: General Manager. I fucking draft like a motherfucker. Madden drafts, High Heat Baseball 2003 drafts, NHL drafts on the Eremita family computer, wrestling figure drafts, fantasy football drafts, fantasy baseball drafts, drafting starburst versus Juan so he didn't eat all the red ones before I could when I was in a cast and flatlined on percocets. I don't even care what it is, if there is a draft involved i will be there. Upon going to college and moving away from home my brother and I had a clothes dilemma. Who would get the sweet orange f.u.b.u. sweats? Who would get the comfortable T-shirts? How do we settle this? Draft. Solved. I own drafts. I allocate funds with precision. I adjust on the fly. I analyze tendencies. I own sleeper picks and the undervalued production picks that no one else think are sexy picks. I will terrorize your draft plans. I swear to god a shrewd professional ball club should swoop in and hire me as the GM and i will haul in championships like you read about (viva la stool).

You may think I sound arrogant and delusional...well that's because I'm arrogant and delusional. But if you've ever drafted with me you know my propensity for being able to field a winner.

So seeing as my first fantasy baseball draft of the year is tomorrow night, I give to you my 2011 MLB cheat sheet with a number of "Top/Most" lists and predictions.

Most Overvalued Players:

1) Jose Bautista. Guy is a lifetime .244 hitter. He all of a sudden hits 54 home runs out of nowhere, only 5 home runs shy of the total for the rest of his 6-year career and everyone's all on his dick. Odds are this guy returns to earth and possibly his journey-man status. The season he had last year was ridiculous and extremely rare...it only happens on Adrian Beltre contract years and Brady Anderson steroid years. I will not draft this guy and you shouldn't waste your early pick on him either.

2) Jose Reyes. I hate this guy. He always is hurt and never seems to live up to his billing. The only way I would select him is if there were a stat category for looking like a monkey. I would select him second behind Edinson Volquez.

3) Joe Mauer. Great baseball player. Great catcher. Impeccable haircut. I just can't waste a high round pick on a catcher that can go 510 at bats and hit 9 home runs.

4) Alex Rios. This guy is a loser. Toronto got sick of him. The White Sox will too. Last year's cheap steal because nobody expected him to do jack shit. Exactly what he will do this year.

5) Kelly Johnson. Not even his own teammates like this guy...they had the sound system operator switch out his walk-up song to It's Raining Men. It was a riot. If this douche hits 26 home runs again this year I will eat nothing but fish for a year as punishment.

Most Undervalued Players:

1) Casey McGehee. A solid RBI and home run guy that hits for average. I sold high on him last year but he continued to produce and has proven himself to be valuable. Plus he's surrounded by the 2011 NL MVP Ryan Braun and the 2011 Fattest Vegan Alive Prince Fielder who are going to mash this year.

2) Aubrey Huff. Great RBI and home runs for cheap at first base. Everyone loves to have a sexy name at first base but there are so many good ones that you may be better off getting stars at less saturated positions. And he wears red thongs, that has to be worth something.

3) Rajai Davis. Solid steals and runs. Decent average. His production will be better this year because his hammy is better and he moved to a better lineup.

Top Unexpected Comeback Players

1) Grady Sizemore. Used to be a stud. Still only like 26. A very good looking male.

2) Chris Young. Used to be a stud. He is really tall.

Most Likely Break-Out Years

1) Mike Stanton

2) Tommy Hanson

Most "You've Got To Be Shitting Me" Predictions I Believe Will Come True

1) Kevin Millwood will sign with an NL team and be good.

2) Chris Young will win 14 games on a shitty Mets team.

3) Adrian Gonzalez isn't going to blow your mind because he is in a better lineup/ballpark.

4) The A's will not be boring to watch.

5) Neil Walker/Jose Tabata/Pedro Alvarez will have excellent years unbeknownst to most all.

6) Justin Morneau won't get a concussion.

7) There will be 4 of the top 10 closers of the year not drafted in our 16 man league

That's all I'm willing to disclose at this time. We got drafting to do tomorrow, can't give all my secrets away. Or should i continue because i am just fucking with your head and hope you waste picks on the guys i've talked up or hope that certain guys fall to me in later rounds??

Let the mind games begin!

BRYtunes Genius Recommnedation: The Boys of Summer - The Ataris (44)

Repeat Offender: Numerous