Foolish Games- Jewel (21)

Foolish Games.

Jewel is the tits. Awesome artist, great songs.

A culmination of events over the past three or four weeks have revealed to me the fact that if I were to hate anything more than I hate liars, foreigners, emo kids, lil wayne, or a number of douche bag athletes (bonds, armstrong, williams sisters, lebron, favre...) it may in fact be the game of golf.

The subtle yet most important word in the previous sentence is "game". There seems to be an abundance of confusion amongst most people on the planet regarding the definition of a sport. Centuries have come and gone and yet no one has ever developed a straight-forward answer. I took the liberty to look up "sport" in the dictionary searching for guidance: an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.

It appears that Mr. Webster would include my physically taxing, mid-afternoon, unnecessarily competitive yelling contest versus the lady friend and mommy dearest at a pre-recorded game show of lingo to be a sport. Even inept intellectuals such as Antonio Cromartie would object to a statement of such ignorance (I think...) My point being that this definition is complete bullshit and the author of the dictionary was obviously a 120 pound, anxiety-ridden ass-wipe that will avoid confrontation at all costs (I digress...)

Upon further exploration, however, I found it more difficult than I thought to form the perfect definition of "sport". I mean there are certain instinctual aspects to the underlying meaning to the word sport that some people have and some people don't. The best metaphor I could come up with is the concept of pocket presence in an NFL quarterback. So when it comes to understanding what the essence of a sport really is, there are two types of people in the world, the Tom Brady's and the Jamarcus Russell's. The Tom Brady's have pocket presence. Similar to how Brady can sense a backside linebacker storming around the corner without ever looking, these people just seem to understand that Nascar, cheerleading, and most Olympic games aren't really sports. It's just a God-given understanding. Then there are the Jamarcus Russell's of the world. To put it nicely they are just large, mindless, pseudo-retards that lack a general sense of awareness. I mean you can teach them all you want but they just keep holding on to the ball until they get broken in half by other pseudo-retards like Shawn Merriman.

Now I mean absolutely no offense to anyone by stating the fact that some people just don't get it (well, except for Jamarcus Russell, Shawn Merriman, and Antonio Cromartie you should be very offended.) The thing that people just can't seem to wrap their heads around is that by saying cheerleading, Nascar, and sprinting are not "sports" in no way demeans the skill necessary to compete in said activities. Look I will never be able to do a back hand-spring, nor would I want to drive in circles at fast speeds surrounded by hundreds of thousands of hill-billies, and if I were to break an 8 minute mile tomorrow I would be ecstatic. I understand. You have a skill. But the pre-requisite of skill in a competition of interest doesn't by any stretch of the imagination warrant the connotation of sport. Sure, you can have "competitions" or "games" but you need some additional quintessential conviction in the perception of the very fundamental make-up of your contest that goes above just the ability to win or lose (which many consider the only guideline for defining a sport- the ability to win or lose). A "sport" is deeper than that. Like I have the skill to fucking nail 95% of the Lingo words before my mom but that doesn't make beating her at fake Lingo a sport. Sure it takes skill and I can win but it is not a sport. Period.

So now that I've built enough suspense to thoroughly disappoint with whatever definition I could ever come up with trying to encompass everything holy about the sacred entity of "sport" ....here goes nothing.

Sport: a competitive conflict with defined rules that you would not be embarrassed to admit your first born son plays.

Wow makes things really cut and dry when you look at it that way. Sports: football, baseball, basketball, hockey, rugby. Not sports: a)Competitions: track, cheerleading, Nascar, ballet. b)Games: Lingo, board games, thumb-wars, grab-ass.

The previous escapade defining the word sport was just a fun exercise laying the foundation to the real issue at hand: Golf. Golf, soccer, and tennis have always been the three games that I have had trouble categorizing. They're kind of mainstream but on the fringe (hilarious pun) when it comes to being a sport. For now let's allow soccer and tennis to remain a personal opinion as to whether or not you would comfortably allow your son play. But over the last 4 weeks or so, golf has slowly made clear that it is most certainly a game and not a sport.

It all began with the Dustin Johnson bunker penalty fiasco. Golf has so many stupid fucking rules. Like all sports need rules, but non-sense like this "bunker rule-violation" literally cost him a chance to win a PGA championship and is just unforgivable. And hitting the pin is 2 strokes or some shit? What the fuck?

Next up are the stupid "golf code of ethics" or whatever. No referees. Just all golfers are held to some honesty policy to be noble and not lie and shit. This is laughable. You can't trust anyone yet alone motherfuckers who wear golf cleats and michael jackson gloves.

Lastly is just the way some people win golf. It's like being cautious and boring is rewarded. Tell me what is competitive or fun about "laying up" and "playing safe" or "trying to force a tie". This attitude is not acceptable in sport. It's so gay. All I can liken it too is the fucking loser that finds ways to cheat the system to win by being the annoying motherfucker no-one likes to be around: a la the guy that holds his air hockey paddle directly in front of his own goal until the other guy scores on himself and then is so satisfied that he won it's pathetic.

This post has nothing to do with the fact I suck at golf and all of a sudden most of my friends are good at it....golf is the most frustrating thing to do in the entire world.

Repeat Offender: You Were Meant For Me (98), Break Me (76), Down So Long (111)

BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: Barely Breathing- Duncan Shiek (23)