First off, I am done with finals for-fucking-ever and it feels amazing. I took this opportunity to celebrate by making "Facebook friend cuts". With each beer and each "unfriending" the festivities grew to be more and more rambunctious. Boom, behind-the-back-unfriend. Eyes-closed-unfriend. Dancing-to-Mr. Jones-by-the-Counting-Crows-unfriend. I woke up with a slight hangover and only "(22)Most Recent". Sorry to those who didn't make the cut. If you would like to try again next year I suggest you work on improving your punctuation, liking my statuses, being funnier, or posting more bikini pictures.
Secondly, I took a pimp ass vacation to Chicago. I saw baseball games at Miller Park, U.S. Cellular Field, and Wrigley Field AND got to see Eminem live at Lollapalooza. Fuck yes. A much needed and long awaited getaway and with the Mrs. and an old friend from the Webber Oil Little League days.
The vacation was not only extremely fun and relaxing but also allowed my brain full freedom to entertain topics that usually fall by the wayside of pharmacotherapeutics and fantasy baseball....i will share with you these thoughts in the following installment entitled,"Unrelated Thoughts On Unrelated Topics I Found Interesting While I Was In Chicago".
1. The first two thoughts are concerning elevation. If heat rises AND you get closer to the sun as you get further from the earth then why are the tops of mountains and space cold? It seems to me that the further off the ground you get the warmer it should be. These rules tend to work in my house...the basement is cooler than the first floor which is cooler than the second floor and the attic is sweltering. But in airplane world i sweat my balls off while the useless attendants inform me that if in the off chance we smash into the ocean and survive my seat doubles as a floatation device but as we approach 10,000 feet i am slightly chilled. Which got me to thinking that the tops of mountains have snow on them....what the fuck? This makes no sense and is outright perplexing. Just another example of science being absolute bullshit i guess. As we began our descent and i was cooling off (hilarious pun directed at becoming less angry at science while in fact i was paradoxically warming up as we approached our landing site) my ears began popping....thought number two: ear popping has to be one of the best 3 feelings in the world. If sneezing is considered 1/16th of an orgasm then ear popping must be considered at least 1/8th of an orgasm (thats 2/16th for the 1/2 of you who suck at fractions).
2. The next thought is random yet intriguing....the only people you pay while sitting down AND using strictly one dollar bills are strippers and toll booth workers. The only other similarities between the two occupations i could muster were that they are usually unpleasant and i most often do not want to see them naked.
3. Next thought was roadkill . I see roadkill all the fucking time. All the time. But have i ever even see a animal try to cross the interstate? Not once. So let's do some math here (sorry fraction oppositionists)... Say I drive the 3 hours from new hampshire back home to Bangor 5 different times. A conservative guess is that I see 25 pieces of road kill per trip. So 5 trips times 25 road kill puts us up to 125 road kill total. Likewise, let's assume i see 1,000 drivers per trip. This gives us 125 road kill to 5,000 drivers total. So 125 road kill/ 5,000 drivers presents me a with a 2.5 percent chance to hit a little fucker every 3 hour trip i take. And mind you that this is just actual actual roadkill, who knows how many animals narrowly survive the crossing of I-95. Naturally, the only two conclusions I could materialize were that 1) I pay very little attention to my surroundings while driving on the interstate or 2) I am bound to see like 625 animals on my next 5 trips to make the statistics work.
...Sort of related, to hit a porcupine you must be a terrible driver. I see zero scenarios in which i would actually hit a porcupine presented with the challenge of avoiding one on the road.
4. Next, in large groups of people it is foreigners and slightly-chubby-ugly people that cross personal boundaries. Listen, if we are standing the same fucking line or are at the same concert, don't fucking touch me. Is it that hard? Jesus. We're going to the same exact place/can see the performer exactly the same. Why do you feel it necessary to touch me? Foreigners are bad at this yes...but slightly-chubby-ugly people are the worst. Foreigners don't know any better. These slightly-chubby-ugly people know perfectly well that they are being annoying fucks and do it out of spite of being chubby and ugly. And for clarification sake, the annoying person must both be chubby and ugly at the same time. There are many friendly chubby people and many friendly ugly people that can interact perfectly normal in crowded situations but as soon as you get that mix of both "chubby and ugly" you will be in contact with their sweaty asses guaranteed.
Okay enough of that bullshit. Apparently i need fantasy baseball to offer insightful thoughts on life. One of the most INSANE things in the history of the world is that the Norway bomber/shooter dude is in custody and awaiting trial for the killing of 91 innocent people. Note that i referred to this cocksucker as "dude" because the entire purpose this psychotic rampage was to gain attention in order to extend his distorted views on an international stage and i will not comply...
Literally, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This guy is a mastermind serial killer. This guy bombed the fuck out of a bustling building in the heart of the city and, meanwhile, he posted out on a retreat island dressed as a motherfucking cop and managed to snipe out 91 innocent TEENAGE summer campers. Now, sure, we all try to swerve at squirrels on neighborhood roads (and apparently porcupines on the interstate when we are lucky enough to see the creatures) but TEENAGERS?! The fuck?. This dude is not dumb. He knew exactly what the fuck he was doing, fact.
Yet, despite extensive video evidence and first hand reports from teenage victims (that were literally shot and pretended to be dead in order to survive) stating that this crazy fuck shot and killed 91 teenage campers over the course of over 2 hours, this man sits ALIVE and in custody.
Furthermore, i would like to point out to you that upon arrival of law enforcement agents this man willingly set down his weapons and surrendered to the agents of the law. Naturally, officers cautiously approached and subdued the psychotic victim and took him into custody and didn't blast the cocksucker's head off...
Mandatorily supplied lawyers obviously planned to plead insanity in order to protect their client. First: well no fucking kidding this guy is insane. Second: why the fuck does being insane allow the dirty, no good, low life, son-of-a-fucking-bitch to continue to be alive to this day?
This is what's completely backwards in the world today...innocent people are endlessly ridiculed and eventually ruined due to consistent attacks of character while the sick bastards of the world can circumvent the legal system and get 3 square meals a day in prison for 40 years until they die of natural causes despite slaughtering children.
If it were up to me this delinquent should be tortured, beaten, slugged, molested, and taunted to the point he finally begs for mercy and then we should put a bullet through is temple. There is no justification for his actions. He knowingly premeditated the slaying of innocent juveniles in attempt to (FUCKING SUCCESSFULLY) gain national media attention and without opposition has conscientiously manipulated our pathetic legal system in an attempt to advocate his lunatic beliefs.
THAT, my friends, is fucking insane.
Repeat Offender: Will You Still Love Me (19)
BryTUNES Genius Recommendation: Chicago-Mat Kearny (33), Chicago-Kate Voegele
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