It's my spring break. A sincere thank you to the twats at mcphs who so awesomely put a therapeutics exam the first day back from break. Oh and for making us have to write a thousand SOAP notes so basically this isn't a week off at all...i would more accurately call the next week an opportunity for overachievers to get some shit done ahead of time to make their life less miserable over the next 2 months. And for everyone else it's a break from all of the constant nonsense and a window to fill your body with toxins and enjoy yourself until you realize you should have been doing stuff ahead of time so that the next 2 months wouldn't have ended up being a miserable fucking disaster. (And yes, I realize that I changed tense a record number of times in this sentence for anyone keeping track...and yes i am somehow talking in past tense about future times...and this is a run on sentence.) I haven't decided which group I'm going to be in yet but if last night's escapades and the pounding headache I have right now are any indication, I expect to be in group 2.
Anyhow.... i'm obviously not going to do anything productive today so I might as well do something i enjoy: drink jack daniel's, visit with my family, watch Dexter with Lindsey, and FANTASY BASEBALL DRAFT. I'm so excited my nipples are tingling. Since only 16 people I know will really care about the remainder of this blog only 10 people actually "follow" my blog, i've tried to spice up my writing technique to keep all interested while giving a candid look at what goes on in the mind of the best fake general manager this side of dan marino that one time for the dolphins.
I've had a lot of callings in my life....
Number 1: Professional Baseball Player---was a legitimate possibility when i was tearing up T-ball in pittsfield maine and all i ever did was swing a bat. It's pretty unrealistic at this point however, seeing as how for years 13-17 of my life all i did was eat starburst and drink pepsi and not inject myself with steroids. That and my ankles are about as dependable as Stretch Armstrong's.
Number 2-Professional Wrestler. I would have been a fucking awesome wrestler and i even wore tights once for halloween and they weren't all that bad. However, seeing as how for years 13-17 of my life all i did was eat starburst and drink pepsi and not inject myself with steroids i don't see it happening now. That and i'm not that outgoing or talented on a microphone. In fact, i was told last night that i sound like a "little boy" on the mobile phone.
Number 3: President of the United States. Still a good possibility here I believe. I need to brush up on politics and foreign stuff but after that i should be all set. I can get around to that by 35 i suppose. If you have a catchy slogan and/or platform and/or any idea how to hide all of my blogs so that they can't be used against me by my competitors in their smear tactics i'll save a Cabinet position for you.
Number 4: Guy Who Puts Songs in Movie/Commercial Soliloquies. I would be FANTASTIC at this. I have a knack for painting pictures of what should happening in a film during crucial parts of songs. Like yesterday i was driving home listening to Linkin Park's new album One Thousand Suns (haha i put Sons at first...maybe a solid rap album name for say Antonio Cromartie...). Anyways, Waiting For The End came on and i fucking visualized the perfect movie scene for it...okay so this would be a one minute and 10 second soliloquy starting at the 0:45 mark in the attached video to the 1:55 mark. The lyrics:
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...
I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on what I haven't got.
So the scene in the movie: there would be a man in a darkly lit room. A whiskey on the rocks on the table. Crown Royal. An ash try would be on the table too. The man looks sleep deprived and stressed. He is having an internal battle with himself. He hates his life. He hates what it has become. Let's just say for details sake that he spent most of his life earning his law degree and it's all he ever wanted to do. He's really good at what he does. He is in the middle of an important case in which he is about to get a man that he knows for certain murdered another man off the hook. He has to win the case to keep his prestigious career. The man killed was someone he didn't like, possibly an ex-lover of his smoking hot wife (who is played by a slightly better looking, less annoying kim kardashian). Just pure conflict. The camera swirls as he leans back in his chair and morbidly puts his head up against the wall. He undoes his tie and ruffles some papers. There is a briefcase on the floor. The floor is dark hardwood. Boom soliloquy.
If you listen to the clip and can't imagine this then you suck. I'm going to be so pissed when some movie director soliloquies (who uses soliloquies as a verb? can you even do this? who is going to stop me? mark twain did what he wanted.) this song in a similar situation and i don't get paid. How does one become a music-scene-selector person??
Number 5 and the reason for this blog: General Manager. I fucking draft like a motherfucker. Madden drafts, High Heat Baseball 2003 drafts, NHL drafts on the Eremita family computer, wrestling figure drafts, fantasy football drafts, fantasy baseball drafts, drafting starburst versus Juan so he didn't eat all the red ones before I could when I was in a cast and flatlined on percocets. I don't even care what it is, if there is a draft involved i will be there. Upon going to college and moving away from home my brother and I had a clothes dilemma. Who would get the sweet orange f.u.b.u. sweats? Who would get the comfortable T-shirts? How do we settle this? Draft. Solved. I own drafts. I allocate funds with precision. I adjust on the fly. I analyze tendencies. I own sleeper picks and the undervalued production picks that no one else think are sexy picks. I will terrorize your draft plans. I swear to god a shrewd professional ball club should swoop in and hire me as the GM and i will haul in championships like you read about (viva la stool).
You may think I sound arrogant and delusional...well that's because I'm arrogant and delusional. But if you've ever drafted with me you know my propensity for being able to field a winner.
So seeing as my first fantasy baseball draft of the year is tomorrow night, I give to you my 2011 MLB cheat sheet with a number of "Top/Most" lists and predictions.
Most Overvalued Players:
1) Jose Bautista. Guy is a lifetime .244 hitter. He all of a sudden hits 54 home runs out of nowhere, only 5 home runs shy of the total for the rest of his 6-year career and everyone's all on his dick. Odds are this guy returns to earth and possibly his journey-man status. The season he had last year was ridiculous and extremely rare...it only happens on Adrian Beltre contract years and Brady Anderson steroid years. I will not draft this guy and you shouldn't waste your early pick on him either.
2) Jose Reyes. I hate this guy. He always is hurt and never seems to live up to his billing. The only way I would select him is if there were a stat category for looking like a monkey. I would select him second behind Edinson Volquez.
3) Joe Mauer. Great baseball player. Great catcher. Impeccable haircut. I just can't waste a high round pick on a catcher that can go 510 at bats and hit 9 home runs.
4) Alex Rios. This guy is a loser. Toronto got sick of him. The White Sox will too. Last year's cheap steal because nobody expected him to do jack shit. Exactly what he will do this year.
5) Kelly Johnson. Not even his own teammates like this guy...they had the sound system operator switch out his walk-up song to It's Raining Men. It was a riot. If this douche hits 26 home runs again this year I will eat nothing but fish for a year as punishment.
Most Undervalued Players:
1) Casey McGehee. A solid RBI and home run guy that hits for average. I sold high on him last year but he continued to produce and has proven himself to be valuable. Plus he's surrounded by the 2011 NL MVP Ryan Braun and the 2011 Fattest Vegan Alive Prince Fielder who are going to mash this year.
2) Aubrey Huff. Great RBI and home runs for cheap at first base. Everyone loves to have a sexy name at first base but there are so many good ones that you may be better off getting stars at less saturated positions. And he wears red thongs, that has to be worth something.
3) Rajai Davis. Solid steals and runs. Decent average. His production will be better this year because his hammy is better and he moved to a better lineup.
Top Unexpected Comeback Players
1) Grady Sizemore. Used to be a stud. Still only like 26. A very good looking male.
2) Chris Young. Used to be a stud. He is really tall.
Most Likely Break-Out Years
1) Mike Stanton
2) Tommy Hanson
Most "You've Got To Be Shitting Me" Predictions I Believe Will Come True
1) Kevin Millwood will sign with an NL team and be good.
2) Chris Young will win 14 games on a shitty Mets team.
3) Adrian Gonzalez isn't going to blow your mind because he is in a better lineup/ballpark.
4) The A's will not be boring to watch.
5) Neil Walker/Jose Tabata/Pedro Alvarez will have excellent years unbeknownst to most all.
6) Justin Morneau won't get a concussion.
7) There will be 4 of the top 10 closers of the year not drafted in our 16 man league
That's all I'm willing to disclose at this time. We got drafting to do tomorrow, can't give all my secrets away. Or should i continue because i am just fucking with your head and hope you waste picks on the guys i've talked up or hope that certain guys fall to me in later rounds??
Let the mind games begin!
BRYtunes Genius Recommnedation: The Boys of Summer - The Ataris (44)
Repeat Offender: Numerous
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