I find being socially awkward to be extremely beneficial. My real friends know that I am not the anti-social sourpuss I often times appear to be and quite frankly, if you're not my real friend (or don't chew big red), fuck you. But being awkward allows me to accomplish 3 important axioms critical to my sanity.
1) Avoid Small Talk By Any Means Necessary. Pretty self explanatory. I don't know what the weather is going to be like and to be honest I really don't care what the weather is like currently. Technological advances have pretty much nullified any hindrance in my life related to meteorological conditions. Oh its a thousand degrees out and sweat is dripping in areas this asshole talking to me will never see? I think I'll go into the air-conditioned grocery store and stop wasting my time talking to you. Oh its blistering cold? I'm just gonna skip our pointless little conversation and crank the heater in my car, thanks. So many stupid questions. How are your parents doing? Good. What are you up to now? Not much (trying to get groceries). Getting some groceries? *walks away*....
2) Avoid Confrontation. Look there is nothing in this world I really care about enough to verbally argue with you. Period. I tend to shy away from conflict regardless but there is a time and place for verbal disagreements and it is not at your boss's dinner party, the mall, or anywhere I am. Unless you're throwing punches fighting is stupid. And don't get me wrong, I love competitive verbal spatter. Greatest quarterback of all time? I will debate for hours. You think we've been to the moon? Game on. However, I don't want to listen to your
"less theoretical" disagreements. I don't care your boyfriend gave you herpes. I don't care that your sorority sister is a raging seaward. Yes I want to break up.
3) Hide Intimidation/Avoid Talking To Idiots. Being socially awkward around people usually presents one of two situations. First scenario: I'm not comfortable around you yet and/or am intimidated by you. It's just engrained in me to be shy and awkward, deal with it or we won't become friends. In this case, me being weird around you is a good thing. Second scenario: I already hate your guts and think you're a complete waste of my time. Let me give you a few scenarios: you watch the world cup, you watch the Kardashians, you take 3 hours to get ready for dinner, *insert racist comment*. This scenario me being awkward around you is bad. But look at the ingenuity of the social awkward persona!! I act the same way around everyone and then just put myself in situations with people from the first scenario more often than people in the second scenario. Brilliant. "That guy doesn't like me"..."No, he's always like that"...we continue to mingle/converse/socialize/rub elbows/drink I think we can become friends. You never see me again or I look at the ground when you walk by, chances are slim.
*Some people leave*
So now we are friends. There is no filter. I am completely comfortable discussing anything with you. Sex. God. Music. Nail-clipping technique. Sonnets. Pronunciation of the names of the Univeristy of Hawaii's offensive line. Whatever. Nothing is out of bounds, and thus I share this hilarious story with you:
Setting: I have moved into a house with my girlfriend and 2 of her girl friends. Just started my first ever rotation in a Pharmacy. It is 8:30am on the third day of said working experience. I am about to shower.
Rising Action: brush teeth, use toilet (i think it was that order...), shave face. This is where we digress from normalcy. I go to trim my armpit hair because that's what Howard Stern told me to do when I was younger and impressionable (plus straggly armpit hair is just vile).
*More people leave*
Climax: So I put my arm in prime trimming condition. Think like stretching your triceps (tricep? tricept? which is the singular?): arm bent at the elbow, elbow above the head. So the trick is to tuck your elbow behind your head so the opposite hand is free to trim. Well in the act of using "the trimming hand" to place "the arm to be trimmed" above my head I accidently "trimmed" the side of my head slightly above my right ear.
Falling Action: *Stares at mirror for 45 seconds*..."You've got to be shitting me." Don't get me wrong, this was fucking hilarious. Absurd. But what the hell was I supposed to do now. Well I'll tell you my thought process...Wear a hat? Nope, none of your hats match your shirt and tie. Call out sick and use the rest of the day trying to solve the problem? Nope, then you'd have to work Sunday and miss football. Shave your head? Nope, not sure patients at the pharmacy would trust Mr. Alopecia. Make a matching mark on the opposite side and start a trend? Nope, I'm white. Blame it on the dog? Wrestling match out of control and he bit my head...maybe. Pop the collar to my white coat? I'm fucked.
Resolution: There was nothing I could do. So I decided that I'll just go to work and tilt my head to the right a lot and hope no one notices. I mean I am socially awkward to begin with so maybe they'll just think I slept funny or something. No one did say anything. Chalk up another win to being socially awkward.
BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: Mistakes We Knew We Were Making- Straylight Run (55)
Repeat Offender: you know the band/song is obscure when you can't even find it on youtube.
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