For the six of you die-hards that have been here since day one, you know what I think about "lil' wayne", "weezy f baby", "young moola baby" or my personal favorite, "you're in jail you dumb motherfucker". Also, you are well aware that I can at times come off as very insensitive and maybe "push the envelope" or "cross boundaries" while taking baby steps toward uncovering my more literal case and point. This is one of those times. NSFW (always wanted to use that). I offer this as a forewarning to the overly sensitive, non-full-picture-grasping, easily-offended type that can't withstand a barrage of strictly un-political correctness and brutal honesty en route to delivering my take-home message. Leave now and forever hold your peace. I'll even hit enter a couple of extra times as to allow your clean escape and to trick my mom into leaving because she won't realize that there is more text.
I went home this weekend to visit my family and friends (i love you mom), much needed. Per usual, I drank like six nights in a row, accomplished none of my schoolwork, and had earth shattering conversations about midgets, rappers, college baseball, and a bunch of other shit.
Now, my family and close friends are the one thing I do take seriously and would do anything for (in case you were wondering). One of my favorite activities is our patented "game nights" (note- there is no way the grammar in the previous sentence is/was (what tense am i in?) correct). Fun packed with fierce competition, dry humor, and enough sexual innuendoes to make disney movies and nickelodeon shows appear clean (think about it...tippy dink is my favorite, what is yours?). Not are the nights totally awesome but they also teach you many things about yourself and whoever else is there. Like, for instance, I suck at drawing. And singing. And acting.
Another thing I suck at is rapping. Go figure right? This is common of most 23 year old white males. But one thing I have always prided myself on is the ability to use words to get my point across (god knows i can't talk it out). My favorite people in the world 1) catch on to my hysterical puns and 2) make puns of their own that make me giggle to myself. My best friends are well educated, quick on their feet, surprisingly talented comedians, and for the most part convey their humor masterfully into printed words via facebook. Pretty simple criteria to be cool in my book, really.
The underlying argument here (and always) is that I am undoubtedly more intelligent than Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. but he writes raps that (sometimes) are pretty clever. Now again, I can't rap. But...my argument is that i would be a damn good rap writer...
People have both advocated and quarreled the aforementioned claim. So now is when i settle the case once and for all and write a quick little something to let you decide if i could be a ghost writer for the biggest rap stars around. Obviously my first rap, like any first raps must: 1) be about my superior rapping ability 2) describe how my clique is better than yours 3)contain cool lyrical allusions 4) reference making money 5) contain numerous expletives 6) and end with many words that end with -in'.
This is a serious attempt. If anyone has any skill at rapping feel free to contact me and we can work out a deal like 60-40 or something because this shit would go straight to number one.
"you need a map to follow my logic nigga, like garmin
put a face mask on to intercept the topics son, like marlin
jackson pick-sixin' the real tom-tom yea ending your season
can't follow the the Journey, like "don't stop believin'"
young and gifted man, fuckin' skippin' the minors like starlin
blowin your mind all over the walls and shit, like charmin
quilted soft when you're groaning and squeezin'
my puns are allergic and sharp, leave you sneezin' and wheezin'
my lines are never disappointing,
metaphor after metaphor
unlike your night at the bar boy,
where you bang a 10 but you met a four
you're delusional, confused and all
googling these words trying to make sense and stall
you're taking too long man hurry, like "there she goes"
six pence none the richer mtv music videos
richer than you too bro, rakin' in cash with garden hoes
you? could probably suck a golf ball through a garden hose
fag... with your queer gimics and dumb lyrics
i'm smarter than you shitfaced on liquors and spirits
throw in the towel man, crown the champ like jesus
me and my boys will crucify you, believe this
when we say wee're not joking like howard stern brah
we're sirius..."
Pretty tight, i know right. Like i could never rap it. I have no flow or skill. But get some talented fuck on there and this imagery will make him famous.
A deciphering cheat sheet:
garmin: a knock off brand of "Tom-Tom"
marlin jackson: picked off Tom Brady to end the Patriots season in 2007
tom-tom: a double entendre referring to the real "Tom-Tom" and Tom Brady
Journey- the band that sang "Don't Stop Believing"
starlin- refers to the cubs 20 year old Cuban shortstop starlin castro
charmin- a brand name toilet paper
met a four = metaphor (sly)
six pence none the richer- band that covered "there she goes" in the 90's
golf ball thru garden hose- references Full Metal Jacket...talking about gays (hence the next line)
jesus- was crucified according to the Bible
howard stern- like basically started "Sirius" satellite radio siruis = serious
What do you think?
In other news i am so dehydrated from the weekend i sneezed today and split my lip. Also, the chocolate candy Rolo's should not come in a stick package. Chocolate is not conducive to the whole "pushing from the bottom of the package to pop one out the top" set up. Leave that for Mentos. Why have the best Mentos I have ever eaten come from the handicapped kids selling them at Bangor High? Should I be nervous? Like when did Mentos decide to become similar to sucking on a smooth rock covered by disgusting artificial dye that tastes like plastic wrapping? I have to go study..
BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: Tab Open- Sam Adams (33)
Repeat Offender (hahahaha get it? jail..again? whew..): Prostitute Flange, Mr. Carter
ps- technology makes people so lazy. i literally misspell "genius" (another funny pun) and "recommendation" every time. genious and reccommendation in case you were wondering--but instead of remembering/learning to fix it, i just let my computer auto-substitute in the correct ones
