So I've decided that those who engineer men's bathrooms for a living must be the people with the lowest intelligence pound for pound in the world. It is astounding to me that something of such quintessential importance can be so utterly neglected. I mean every guy uses the bathroom AT LEAST once a day, if not 6 or 7 times. Just think about that for a second. Say every man uses the bathroom on average 3 times a day, thats like 414.3 million "uses" a day in the US alone!! (if you trust the figure I pulled from the first google page for male population in the US that is). That trumps all. No one is going to church 3 times a day. No one is going to work 3 times a day. And despite all of this, below is a laundry list of the some of the most preposterous problems still frequently encountered on a daily basis in the world of male bowel movements.
1) the urinal too close to the sink conundrum: this is awkward for both parties. it's hard enough as is to pee in front of people, yet alone when a counterpart is lathering his hands inches from your "man area". and for most guys out there, i'd go as far to say that they would rather not wash their hands and be labeled "repulsive" than to accidently catch a glimpse of some dude's private and be labeled a "pervert".
2) the urinal visible to the outside when the door opens: no one wants to know how far i pull my pants down when i pee. why would you ever put urinals directly in front of an entrance? even worse, you may be unfortunate enough to encounter the urinals that are perpendicular to the door but still directly in front of the entrance! whoa. there should be a soft-core porn warning on the door in these cases. you can innocently walk yourself into a gross visible-side-dick affair.
3) you caught me pooping stalls: every man is royally embarrassed when anyone knows you are going number two (especially in public). knowing this, you would think that all stalls would be as inconspicuous as possible. not the case. how about the stalls directly in front of a window on the third floor? or the stall with sides that don't go down far enough to hide your shoes? or the stalls that don't have locks? or the stalls without a door?! just plain uncalled for. you may even cross double whammies here, a la the "visible to the outside when the door opens with sides that don't hide your shoes stall".
4) the urinals without sides: pretty self explanatory here. we might as well hold hands.
5) the really small urinal next to the big urinal: what the hell is the urinal so small for? no one wants to use that thing but no one can help from staring at it mid-pee. "no dude i swear i wasn't trying to sneak a peak, but look how small that urinal is! how did you not splash on your shoes?"
6) stalls where the door is way to close to the toilet: nothing worse than chafing your knees while trying to clear oneself. like seriously, did someone literally forget to take into consideration that humans are 3-dimensional beings when designing this stall?
How hard is it to make a bathroom that is user friendly? What low-life motherfuckers are getting paid to build these things with such disregard for common courtesy?
While we're at it...other bathroom etiquette that is routinely mishandled and should no longer be tolerated.
7) the toilet paper saga: every bathroom should have soft, think toilet paper. why is this so difficult? some toilet paper is so thin you put your finger through every time! its like the shit that comes inside clothing boxes. i don't want to wipe with that non-sense for christ sakes.
8a) flush your poop: i don't want to see your prize dump. thats what cell phone cameras are for.
8b) flush your pee: your piss smells dude. and for those of you "go green, leave yellow" conservatists out there let me set something straight with you: if you leave your gross pee behind i will flush the toilet three times just to spite you. once to get rid of it, once to get rid of the smell, and once after i go to show respect to the next user.
9) don't piss on the seat: just a douche move. everyone has been in a situation where you gotta go bad and some asshole washed the seat with his urea. just not cool.
10) no paper towels: those air dryer things suck. the longer you dick around with it, the more likely everyone else thinks you pooped.
There. Listen, learn, teach. Lead by example and we can fix this pandemic.
BRYtunes Genius Recommendation: DMB's shit (get it?)
