The Truth - Spill Canvas (52)

     The Truth

  It has been more than one year since my last post.  Time flies when you're a young professional scared of posting opinions on the internet...albeit I've never been one to dispute the fact that my writing is riddled with hypocrisy (and all it took was a paycheck to prove it to myself!).  Here goes nothing:

  Like most everyone in America I have been glued to my television set watching the pursuit of the Boston Marathon Bomber.  It was surprisingly exhilarating to watch a city and nation come together and triumph under such trying circumstances.  Anyone willing to unapologetically take life from an innocent 8 year old child should be tortured mercilessly.  And I mean brutally tortured.  Like fingernails removed one at a time and shoved sharp-end-first-super-aggressively into the retinas tortured.  You fucking cowards.  Major credit to all law enforcement in apprehending the suspect in such a timely fashion.

  Thats is as mushy as I will get, I promise.

 Let's be honest...as much as I sincerely wanted to get swept away by the feel-good story of America coming together to achieve greatness, the skeptic in me was just waiting to surface.  And surface did it ever.  Fuck the media.

  There is so much inherently wrong with media coverage it makes my head spin.  And it's like no one even sees it.  Did you see one video or even a picture of: the robbery at 7-Eleven, the MIT police officer, the supposed home-made explosive devices thrown out of a moving car at law enforcement, either of the shoot-outs, the subject in the boat, or like anything that actually happened. For real?  I am god-damn positive that the 7-Eleven has security cameras.  And don't all law enforcement cars have dash cameras?  What the fuck?  We weren't shown anything that is being portrayed as "truth".  Not one thing.

  Osama was shot and killed and dumped at sea...but there are no videos and no pictures to prove it...in the 21st century.  Fucking really?  I have videos of my dog taking a shit.  My dog squats, I struggle to get my phone out of my pocket, I switch the camera view from selfie shot to normal shot, record the poo, upload the video to twitter and then text it to my friends.  But you're telling me that a dozen soldiers air-raid Osama's hideout, shoot and kill him, then who knows how many people/soldiers/media see the body before it is supposedly dumped at sea.  And not one picture of a dead Osama Bin Laden?  Breaking news: "Osama's dead, go America!  And Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West, can you believe it?!  Don't focus!"

     Flashback like 2 months ago.  More real life action drama: Christopher Dorner, former navy seal and LAPD officer is fleeing from law enforcement.  Excitement. Action. Helicopters.  Dorner is in this house, surrounded by agents.  This just in: "Law enforcement has asked our media helicopters to stay clear...yada yada yada...safety...yada.."  WAIT. WHAT!?  I'm no fucking genius but you just ZOOMED THE FUCK OUT.  Your helicopters weren't any further away or closer to the scene than like two seconds ago! Go back to that shot!  "Oh my god! The house exploded and Dorner is dead but his wallet survived the fire so we can confirm its him! Go America! And Kim Karashian is pregnant!"

  Are you serious?  Is this real life?  I get this weird feeling in my gut when stuff like this happens.  Don't piss on me and tell me it's raining for fucks sake, I want the truth.  What are you hiding?  Who are you? I want the truth.  I need the truth.  We NEED the truth.  We have the technology and man power for the truth yet we are constantly deprived of it.  Why?  Fucking why?

   Call me a conspiracist or call me bat-shit insane but the mainstream media is hiding the truth.  Someone or something is sabotaging what you and I see as true.  And that is more terrifying than any bomb because it is a direct attack on every single one of us.


 BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: Boston - Augustana (110), Bombs Away - B.o.B. (88), Liar (It Takes One To Know One) - Taking Back Sunday (99)

 Repeat Offender: Battles (34), Connect the Dots (12)

Awake and Dreaming - Finger Eleven (31)

Awake and Dreaming

As long as I can remember I've questioned everything. Look around at things it the room you are in. There are probably 1500 things that you do not understand. There are the obvious things like what the hell is the internet and how does it work? Who was smart enough to invent a cell phone? How does a remote control turn on the TV? These are basic questions. If you haven't ever taken the time mull them over I strongly advise you stop reading and return to your peaceful numb state.

These are incredibly complicated technological devices that miniscule amounts of people truly understand (myself not included). What if, for some reason, all cell phones were destroyed or disappeared from existence. How long would it take for you and your 5 closest friends to invent the first cell phone. You probably never would. It's scary to think that you don't understand the things in your life that you use the most.

Most of the mystery surrounding technology comes with the inability to see how things work. This cloud of invisibility makes us oblivious to the fact that these devices have been thousands of years, millions of people, and billions of ideas in the making.

Let's consider something less complicated. Socks. A relatively simple idea I suppose. But how many years did cavemen go without socks? Why don't chimps wear socks? How many different materials were used before we settled on cotton? Why not just wear shoes? Some trickier questions I suppose. If I provided you with a sheep and machinery could you make a sock? I sure as hell couldn't. What I'm getting at is that this world is incredibly complicated if you take the time to think about it. It's almost depressing at how little you know about every single thing in your life.

With all of this complication and numerous cloaks of invisibility surrounding innovative ideas how is it possible to invent something that has never been invented before?

I often use language as an example. I feel that it is impossible to create a language. The first and only thing you could do in attempt to start a language is to point at an object and make a sound. Your companion would undoubtedly look at you and think "what the fuck is wrong with this person"? But in what language is he thinking if there is no language? Can you think without language? Whoa. What came first the chicken or the egg? Let's assume you can think... you repeatedly point at an object and make the same sound and maybe...MAYBE you may agree upon calling said object said sound. So you can theoretically establish a "language" in which there are nouns. "Rock". "Fire". "Bird-Poop". Even verbs are possible because you can demonstrate them. "Jump". "Somersault". "Barrel-Roll". But there is absolutely no possible means of communicating adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, or feelings. These are subjective interpretations whose meaning cannot be agreed upon without a means of communication that can "describe" them. Nouns and verbs cannot be used describe the nouns and verbs you created yourself right? Regardless...even if you could...there is definitely no way to positively confirm that the other person understands what you mean. Of that I am sure.

So am I implying that language isn't real? Sort of. But we have it right? I don't fucking know. Let's assume language is made up. Are math and physics made up? In the way we discuss them, yes. These are "concepts" that exist but we try to explain using our made up language. How can you trust the "laws" and "explanations" that are described using a language that you can't prove anyone understands.

These are arguments for another day (or every day in my case). Let's pretend language, physics, and math are real. How does an individual expand upon their particular knowledge set? Discover novel ideas and concepts?

I see two possible ways. Drugs or dreams. Both of which bring you into a state of altered consciousness. One person "experiments" with psychedelic drugs or has a dream that enlightens them with original idea. They gain an "understanding" previously not attained--neigh--an idea impossible to attain otherwise. They may or may not be able to explain this enlightenment to others. When they can, others become privy to this novel way of thinking and can expand further. Teamwork! When they can't, you accuse them of witchery and stone them to death. Oh wait, that's just what used to happen...

You may be thinking, "you are an idiot". That's okay, I'm thinking the same thing about you. You argue that one does not need to be on drugs or in a dream to think outside the box and innovate. And to you naysayers, I leave you with this metaphor.

Normal you will be represented as an automobile. You are enlightened to everything inside your car. Language, math, physics are seats, stick-shifts, and fuzzy dice. I'm not calling normal you dumb. You are intelligent. Your intelligence can be represented by what you can see through the windshield. Your intelligence is vast! Dead skunks! Litter! Impressive. Now let's assume that you are fucking brilliant (give yourself a chance!). One day you notice that you can see your face in your windshield. Holy shit. I can see something in the windshield that is behind the windshield. Mind blown. Well fuck, you think, lets make something out of that material to look behind me. Boom. Rear view mirror. Your knowledge has doubled! Give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it. Side mirrors. More knowledge. Life is good. You see everything!

This is where you lose the common folk. Normal you thinks you know everything. I'm here to tell you know that you do not. You are caged in the way you think. There are obstacles in perception that you don't understand. You have "blind spots" Mr. Automobile.

Normal you thinks you are ready to pass the school bus in front of you... you check the rear view, you check your side mirror, good to go. Then you get fucking crushed at 85 mph by 2 tons of metal driven by a terrible female driver that was in your blind spot. Sidenote, if this hasn't almost happened to you then you are outright lying or unbelievably oblivious.

It's not your fault. Your doors (the government), the roof (your priest), and your headrest (society) confine you to the box you are in. It was impossible to see her coming.

All I'm saying is that outside of your confined automobile-way-of-thinking there is an expansive new world where new ideas sprout up like weeds and mushrooms do in the forests outside of your car.


Wow, weird fucking dream I had last night.


Repeat Offender: Falling On (12), I'll Keep Your Memory Vague (21), Temporary Arms (10)

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: A Dream-Jay-Z (87), Sweet Dreams-Eurythmics (55), Dream On-Aerosmith (69), Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd (78)

Unchanged Melody - Kenny G (43)

Unchanged Melody

I have no snare in my head phones.

I oftentimes use that as a segway into serious conversations because Marshall Mathers did it. Kind of ironic because for the most part it makes the other person less likely to take me seriously. Apparently they don't like Eminem as much as I do....Fuck it. Shut up and listen.

I had an epiphany last night. I had a threesome of sorts with Jack Daniels and Dave Matthews and I've recognized the folly of my ways. It takes a strong man to admit when he is wrong. I am wrong. Dave Matthews Band is good. A wise person once told me that "hate" is just love disappointed and this appears to fit perfectly here. For years I've slandered DMB as an untalented piece of shit band with a god awful annoying sound. The further down the bottle of Jack D I went, however, the more I realized the parallels between Dave and I. Dave's just a guy trying to connect with people. He writes songs to do this. I write blogs.

This blog is about change. There is no time like the present to change. I've never fallen for the New Year's Resolution gimmick and I've never given anything up for Lent because religion is silly. But when I set my mind to things I tend to follow through. So to make up for the last 25 years of not playing along, these are my resolutions/changes to accomplish by the 1st of april, 2013.

1.Listen to more country music.
2.Swear less.
3.Use my blinkers appropriately.
4.Make more lists.
5.Eat significantly less sugar.
6.Start some form of martial arts.
7.Watch the complete series of Lost.
8.Pass the NAPLEX.
9.Do 10 push ups every morning.
10.Stretch before physical activity.
11.Read at least 3 books for pleasure.
12.Think more positively.
13.Get 2 people hooked on Joe Rogan podcasts.
14.Give up driving when having >2 beers.
15.Be more organized.
16.Get my oil changed at least once.
17.Go to a city I've never been to before.
18.Try hunting for the first time.
19.Take shorter showers.
20.Keep the weight off.
21.Find at least 5 new artists worth buying all of their CD's.
22.Not forget to take my contacts out.
23.Find 3 new foods to eat.
24.Take more risks.
25.Win $300 at the Slots.


A good start on #4. Oh and April Fool's about Dave Matthews. Fucking douche. Some things never change...

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: Going Through Changes - Eminem (77), Change The World - Eric Clapton (112), Changes - 3 Doors Down (75), Changes - 2pac (89), Change Your Mind - Sister Hazel (91)

I'll Walk - Bucky Covington (44)

I'll Walk

First ever live request blog! Has such excitement existed since Carson Daly was privileged to introduce foolishly short video clips of SMOKING hot pop princesses and Papa Roach to thousands of dying-to-dry-hump middle school children?! We can only hope interaction such as this will be revolutionary enough an event to launch blogs comparable to classic TRL hits such as "Bawitaba" by Kid Rock, "Bye Bye Bye" by 'Nsync, or the life-changing "Baby One More Time" by my teenage obsession/hottest girl ever turned bald crazy chick turned relevant again turned who knows what next, Britney Jean Spears.

Let's go to the phones...

Baseball/Moneyball (sorry ladies and anyone else who paints their finger nails...)

Going to the movies doesn't get the blood in my veins pumping like the 1999-version of Britney Spears in skin-tight red spandex but let's be honest, not much does. There is something about paying $14 a ticket and $8 for popcorn that really makes me stop and think "I could buy an entire fucking season of Dexter for this price." Furthermore, when watching movies at the theatre, there is at least one 15 minute tantrum that results in the missing of a crucial scene. It may be upon realization that the butter only reaches one goddamn third of the way down the popcorn bag despite paying an additional 75 cents for extra butter. Or possibly because the man in front of me smells like feces and urine. Or because the sour patch kids have burned through the epidermal layer of my tongue. Rarely does going to the theatre result in the sense of general satisfaction...

Moneyball was no different. I did go to the theatre showing of Moneyball for a few reasons, however. 1)It was the first time ever I had read a book that turned into a movie because I'm not a complete weirdo like those who've read Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and/or Twilight. 2)Because I'm absolutely obsessed with baseball. 3) Brad Pitt's comedy and Jonah Hill's good looks.

The movie was okay. Anything that gets people talking baseball is good in my book. The major problem I have with the film is the glorifying of Billy Beane. Look, Billy Beane didn't win shit. Ever. As a player or as a general manager. Why did this guy get an Academy Award nominated movie written about him and his genius?

What Billy Beane did has been done in baseball and all professions for decades: make the best of a situation while getting a little lucky. Innovation is a beautiful and necessary thing for evolution in all walks of life. I applaud Billy Beane's efforts in trying to win with limited funds and he has undoubtedly changed the way baseball teams handle their rosters in regards to statistical analysis. What I'm arguing is that Mr. Beane's (hehe) philosophy is grossly overrated. There have been countless general managers that have been more revolutionary and quite frankly who have experienced much more success over a longer period of time.

First off, statistics have been used to analyze baseball since it's creation. And focusing on an innovative statistic is for certain not the creation of Billy Beane. How about the dramatic shift to focus on power numbers such as home runs and RBI ushered in during the time of Babe Ruth? Baseball shifted from batting average and speed to a game of HR's and runs batted in. The emphasis on power stuck similarly to the way "Moneyball" has spread amongst GM's of today. But do you know how many World Series the Yankees won the Ruth, Gehrig etc? A fuck ton more than Moneyball's Billy Beane ever won. What about the creation of "closers" and focus on saves and pitch counts? The A's pre-Beane won titles with this innovation. It has stuck. The list goes on and on. I think it is fair to say that Moneyball has stuck despite having never won a World Series. (For the record paying JD Drew $100000000000 doesn't count as Moneyball per se and nullifies the Sox).

Your next logical argument would be that Billy has the confounding factor of being handcuffed by budget. And it may be a fair point if you enjoy poorly accurate Hollywood re-enactments that overhype the importance of dickheads like Bill Beane. I argue that an innovative genius would not be bound by such trivial shackles. Babe Ruth was sold from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees for $125,000 in cash, three $25,000 notes payable with 6% interest per year, and a loan of $300,000 to be repaid or else the Yankees GM would acquire the mortgage of Fenway Park. Let's translate this transaction into current day. So the Yankee's GM purchased the greatest player of all time (at the same time shifting focus of his team's philosophy placing a premium on the innovative statistics pertaining to power) for the equivalent of $1.45 million in cash and three notes payable of $290,000 in 2012 money. That my friends is a savvy deal IMHO. Billy Beane's Oakland A's currently have 8 players in 2012 on their roster being paid more than the entire cash amount for the acquisition of Babe Ruth in current day dollars. Essentially the Yankees shrewd GM purchased Babe Ruth the same amount that Billy Beane is paying an injured Rich Harden to sit out for the year. The misconception that the Yankees used absurd amounts of cash to acquire Ruth is outrageous in relation to the concept of Moneyball. No doubt the Yankees paid what was considered a stiff price at the time but this risk was exponentially more successful than Billy Beane's Moneyball risk. The Yankees GM used an innovative strategy and won a plethora of championships. Beane was innovative but didn't win any titles.

More analysis...

What's unique about baseball is that you "have control" of a player that your organization drafts until that player has reached a certain amount of service time playing for your major league roster. This is why you oftentimes see a talented young player held in the minor leagues for longer than you would expect. It is a flaw in the system (at least from the point of view of talented players and their fans who want to see the prospects play in the Major Leauges) that allows a team to pay a good young player a very low salary for longer than would be necessary. Consequently, they "control" that player for longer at a discount price. Billy Beane got lucky in that he had control over the contracts of 3 great young pitchers: Tim Hudson, Barry Zito, and Mark Mulder. If you've seen the movie Moneyball, Brad Pitt (Billy Beane) is made to appear a genius for getting to the playoffs in 2002 after losing talented hitters such as Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon while replacing them with scrubs like Scott Hatteberg and Jeremy Giambi. The premise goes that Beane exploited in Hatteberg, John Mayberry, and other underrated players qualities that other teams were ignoring. Or, that the GM replaced the production of really good players too expensive for his team by mixing and matching a number of undervalued players to make up that production. Sounds good in theory and makes a great movie plot... In reality though, Billy Beane "had control" over three dominant pitchers because they were young in their career. Billy Beane had the best pitching staff in the league in 2002. Barry Zito was the league Cy Young. Oh and it just so happens that Miguel Tejada won the MVP of the league that year to boot. And Tejada for sure replaced a lot more of the lost production on offense than twats like Hatteberg and his muff-tickling facial hair.

To finalize my assault of Bill Beane, I also argue that managers with control over great players have had greater success than Beane. Point and case: John Schuerholz. Schuerholz is the GM that stockpiled Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz on the Atlanta Braves in the 1990's. His teams won 14 division titles in a row! FOURTEEN! That is fucking insane. What Schuerholz did was consistently develop good players to sustain success after losing players too expensive to keep. Players came and went similar to Beane's A's but the Braves kept bringing up talented players they had drafted. The Braves also won a World Series during the Schuerholz tenure (while appearing in 2). Never during Beane's term did the A's even make the World Series. The A's won 2 division titles in a row in 2002 and 2003 but then they started losing their pitchers without having developed good replacements. Hudson and Mulder were traded in 2004 and Zito left by free agency in 2006. The A's win total after losing their Big 3? 2006=93; 2007=76, 2008=76, 2009=75, 2010=81, 2011=74. His teams were nothing without these pitchers.

"Moneyball" the economic analysis of statistics in baseball has changed the way baseball organizations are run. "Moneyball" the movie is inaccurate portrayal of the importance of Billy Beane.

The only plausible explanation for this injustice is that Beane could portrayed by Brad Pitt while Schuerholz would have had been played by Billy Bob Thorton.

Sex sells my friends...just ask Carson Daly.

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: There's No "I" In Team - Taking Back Sunday (120), Breakdown - Tantric (79), Simple Math - Manchester Orchestra (90), Walking Away - Craig David (62)

Contagious - Isley Brothers (76)

Contagious - Isley Brothers

Did you catch the last episode of the Kardashians?

If you answered yes to that question please do the following:

1) Grow up.

2) Refrain from talking.

3) Jump-squat ass first on to a large bottle of captain morgan.

Upon your recovery, sit down and take a long hard look at your life. Critically analyze what has brought you to this low point. Quit spending precious time watching a bunch of cunts pretend that they are more important than the rest of the world because their oldest sister swallowed a black cock on the internet. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself for being such a mindless piece of shit and start trying to be a more responsible person. Still don't talk to me.

Whilst countless Americans spoil their ability to think logically by watching E! or MTV, there are pressing issues in our country that need to be addressed. Issues that, indeed, could one day ruin the ability of dipsticks to comfortably lounge around waiting to see Kim in a towel or to hear Khloe cuss out Lamar Odom.

Bacteria. No, not the colony inundating the underwear drawers of a certain celebrity family, but increasingly more resistant bacteria that has the potential to destroy the world as we know it. I'll try to keep this interesting....

For thousands and thousands of years people died because of bacterial infections and infectious diseases. That is scary. It was only in 1928 that humans discovered that penicillin could kill some types of bacteria. With that came the inventing of a slew of antibiotic medications that have significantly increased the life expectancy and the quality of life of people all over the world. That being said, infectious diseases remain the 2nd leading cause of death worldwide. Infectious diseases are the 3rd leading cause of death in the United States. Bacteria is lethal. Not only is bacteria lethal but these bugs are smart motherfuckers. We are over our heads in a war with bacteria and if we continue to do nothing it may be too late.

A brief background for the non-scientist. There are two types of bacteria. Gram + and Gram -. Let's say Kim Kardashian is Gram + bacteria and Khloe is Gram -. The major difference between the two types of bacteria is the thickness of their cell wall. Gram + has a thicker wall. Kim has a fatter ass. Humor me...

Now, in order to kill bacteria, it is necessary to attack things that are essential for the bacteria to survive while being safe for us to ingest. This makes the cell wall a good target in bacteria because humans do not have cell walls. So the smart old scientists in the 1920s decided to attack the cell wall. For metaphor's purposes lets attack the Kardashians' asses. No fat ass, no celebrity status, no survival. So early scientists created Lamar Odom. Odom conquers Khloe's ass! Rejoice! Odom is equivalent to penicillin. Just wrecking Gram + bacteria. The only problem is that Odom doesn't have a chance in hell to conquer Kim's ass. Read: he's B list celebrity, she's A list.

Back to the drawing board. So scientists had to develop more ways to kill the Kardashians. Again, they target things necessary for the bacteria's survival. Scientists began attacking bacterial protein synthesis, bacterial cell membranes, and bacterial nucleic acid synthesis. Translation in metaphor being the scientists attack accessories necessary for survival of the Kardashians: cell phones, make-up, black men. Voila! Ray-J! Everyone is grateful for Ray-J!

So everything seems fine and dandy. You got Lamar to conquer Khloe and Ray-J conquering Kim (Gram + and Gram - bacteria can be killed). Scientists have since discovered a handful of different categories of drugs to conquer bacteria. The penicillins, the aminopenicillins, the carbapenems, the fluoroquinolones, the cephalosporins, the macrolides, the aminoglycosides, and various others. Think of these drug classes as the growing list of Kardashian conquerers.... Odom, Ray-J, Nick Lachey, Miles Austin, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries, etc. It is important to note that each drug class has it's own unique coverage for different types of bacteria. Think Odom can only conquer Gram + (Khloe). Let's say Austin only conquers Gram - (Kim). And some can conquer both types! We'll say that this is Reggie Bush becuase mahfugga is a Pimp.

But then something terrible happens. Kim becomes resistant to Ray-J! Sweet Jesus! Ray-J can no longer conquer Kim! This my friends is bad news...

Bacteria are fucking brilliant. Scientists targeted something they needed to survive and, in turn, they figured out a way to fight back. This is scary stuff and it's only the beginning. A large number of the aforementioned classes of drugs fall into the category of beta-lactam drugs. That is, a beta-lactam structure in the drug fucks up the bacteria's cell wall synthesis and consequently kills it. The bacteria have brilliantly began producing beta-lactamase enzymes to destroy the beta-lactam structure of the drug and allow for itself to survive! The war is on. To counter, scientists began packaging beta-lactamase inhibitors with the drugs. So now the drug has a part in it that inhibits the enzyme that the bacteria began making because we were trying to kill it in the first place AND a part to kill the bacteria. Think Ray-J has flowers for Kim. Ray-J alone cannot conquer Kim any longer. But Ray-J with flowers and conquer away.

But things just keep getting worse.

It becomes harder and harder to conquer the Kardashians. The worst part being that bacteria can pass resistance along to fellow bacteria! Kim and tell Khloe how to no longer be conquered by Lamar! Cunt! Are you listeing? A tiny little bacteria can pass along genetic information to another bacteria telling it how to become resistant to a drug. What. The. Fuck.

On top of all of this, being the fucking idiots that we are, we are mis-using the drugs. Retard doctors are giving antibiotics to retard patients for viral diseases. Anti-BACTERIAL drugs don't work against VIRUSES. You are just giving the bacteria more chances to develop resistance and pass it along. And then, even when we are sick with bacteria, retard people stop taking their medicine before it is all gone. "I will save this for my next bout with the flu" says the uninformed moron. You may feel better jackass but you haven't killed all of the bacteria yet. Therefore you have successfully allowed the bacteria to be exposed to the drug, survive it, and replicate more bacteria that already know how to defeat the drug. Joyous. Even more ridiculous is that the government is lavishly pouring antibiotics down the throats of livestock. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.... We are prophylactically treating livestock with antibiotics so that they don't get sick so we can then, in turn, violently slaughter and grind them into packages of hamburger? That makes perfect sense. Not only is that TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED but it is allowing for the creation of mega-resistant bacteria that will inevitably destroy everyone.

Not only do we have to worry about all of this but the drugs are becoming resistant faster than ever! Think Kim became resistant to Reggie over about 2 years but became resistant to Humphries in 72 days!

So there are super-resistant bacteria popping up all over the world that can pass their resistance to their bacteria friends at an alarming rate....we must be trying to combat them, right? You would think so but we are shitting all of our money down the drain trying to bring democracy to the Middle East. From the 1920's to the 1950's upwards of 30 antibacterial drugs were developed. Since the 1990's? Like 3. Why is this? Well it is not in the best financial interest of the drug companies, of course. Drug companies would rather become rich inventing Viagra and OxyContin. That's right it is easier to make money creating other drugs. Instead of trying to save the world they would rather give middle-aged men raging erections and hillbillies pilled-Heroin to rob from pharmacies.

Honestly, I have no idea how to fix this problem anymore than you do. But these are the type of things we should be putting our time and effort into finding solutions for. And Jesus Christ, stop watching the Kardashians.

Vote Ron Paul.

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: You Make Me Sick - Pink (12), How To Save A Life - The Fray (10), Medicine Ball - Eminem (22)

Long December - Counting Crows (56)

Long December - Counting Crows

Analogies are the most underused tool in the shed. Analogies are like white crayons or floss in that they can greatly enhance ones goal at hand yet one doesn't use them enough. I would go as far to say that analogies are equivalent to BDSM for psychopath sex addicts, adderall for studyers trying losing weight, and orange soda for Kel. As soon as I had my first analogy I was hooked. They were the gateway drug to harder and more frowned upon drugs like double entendres, homonyms, and french. A well placed analogy can bring a tear to my eye quicker than an onion re-enacting Mufasa's death. Analogies (and to a lesser but equally important extent metaphors) create a semi-connection between individuals in a way that only people who "get it" get it. Get it?

I have no good transition here but the following is my presentation of a baseball-music analogy. I hope you enjoy/partially understand.

So there are 30 baseball teams in the major leagues (if you include the san diego padres). I'm going to play a game in which I make an analogous comparison for each team to a band/performer in my lifetime because goddamn it's been a long, boring, dragged out December...

We'll start off with the 1)New York Yankees. This is easy. A highly successful team that I can't fucking stand: Dave Matthews Band. I hate that motherfucker. But hit after hit (hehe) was highly successful among my peers. I don't get it. He sounds like a bitching, moaning, zany queer. So basically he's A-Rod minus the purple lips and steroids. The only DMB song I actually kinda like is Crash Into Me but every DMB fan says that is his worst song. Sounds a lot like Yankee fans and Derek Jeter circa 2011.

That was fun, let's continue. The 2)Boston Red Sox and Tim McGraw. The Red Sox are the local team around so you see all of their games. You end up rooting for them due to locality but you always end up disappointed. Likewise, you always hear Tim McGraw and people end up rooting for him more than they should solely due to exposure. And let's be perfectly honest, 80% of people go to see to the Red Sox or Tim McGraw go only to perv out on Faith Hill and Heidi Watney.

3) Atlanta Braves and Linkin Park. The Braves have always been my favorite team. 14 division titles in a row and 1 lousy world series. Just like Linkin Park. People have to respect them because they consistently "win" but they never put out that one stunner of a song/album so that they are considered great. I would say that In The End correlates to their one World Series but it kind of seems less important because of the multitude of other playoff failures. Quite the contrary, the 4)Florida/Miami Marlins are Damien Rice. Motherfuckers just load up for one year and win the World Series. Damien Rice has 4 of my top 10 favorite songs of all time and then a fuck ton of garbage. How do you go from perfection to utter shit so quickly?

5) Chicago Cubs and Backstreet Boys. The lovable losers.

6) Texas Rangers and Kelly Clarkson. Lots of Pop and no pitch. Zing.

7) Philadelphia Phillies and Taylor Swift. Lots of pitch and just enough Pop.

8) Cleveland Indians (of the early 90's) and Savage Garden (of the early 90's). Tons of hits, fun to watch, and you always find yourself rooting for them.

9) and 10) Minnesota Twins and Oakland A's, Brand New and Manchester Orchestra. Two bands with no fans that always end up in the playoffs. Great lyrics.

11) Arizona Diamondbacks and Britney Spears. HOT and talented (when they were young).

12) St. Louis Cardinals and Eminem. Consistently great over generations.

13) Kansas City Royals and Madonna. Consistently terrible over generations.

14) New York Mets and Jay-Z. Lots of money and lots of drugs.

15) Seattle Mariners and Alanis Morissette. Great run in the nineties.

16) Chicago White Sox and Michael Jackson. Black and white...

17) Colorado Rockies and Rihanna. Black and purple...

18)Baltimore Orioles and Celine Dion. They're my dad's favorite.

19) Anaheim Angels and Chris Brown. Both have mastered the hit and run.

20)Toronto Blue Jays and Avril Lavigne. Underrated and from Canada.

21)Tampa Bay Rays and Beyonce. Started winning after a name change but everyone misses Destiny's Child and the Devil Rays...especially Kelly Rowand and Fred McGriff.

22)San Francisco Giants and Cher. Really old, on steroids, and her hair is identical to Tim Lincecum's.

23)Pittsburgh Pirates and Blink 182. Their best player died young in an airplane accident.

24)San Diego Padres and Girl Talk. Mix a bunch of old parts together to try to make things work.

25)Milwaukee Brewers and Kid Rock. Both sponsored by Miller Lite.

26)Los Angeles Dodgers and Jennifer Lopez. Are hoping the divorce re-ignites the franchise.

27)Cincinnati Reds and Maroon 5. The Big Red Machine.

28)Houston Astros and Bone Thugs n' Harmony. The Killer B's.

29)Detroit Tigers and Kanye West. Asshole's of America.

30)Washington Nationals and Christina Aguilera. Huge contracts, no talent.

For the love of god somebody text me during my rotation, i swear no more dick pics...

Repeat Offender: Holiday in Spain (66), Mr. Jones (70)

BryTUNES Genius Recommendations: Anyone, Anyone - Dashboard Confessional (65), Wasting My Time - Default (34)

Crack A Bottle - Eminem (88)

Crack A Bottle

Hello blog minions (great-word-combo), it's been awhile. Contrary to popular belief I was able to complete all 31 days of October successfully as sober as John the Baptist minus the red wine. *Heel-wrestler-like self-back-pat* I'd like to give a huge thanks to Concord Hospital for scheduling me on weekdays before music videos are on VH1 and when college football re-runs are still playing on ESPN. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd also like to give a shout out to Red Bull. Days on which I would usually put myself into an Artie-Lange-like drunken stupor (Stonehill golf outing, Bowdoin parents weekend) Red Bull offered an alternative beverage that slurred my words and gave me disgusting morning bowel movements. Kudos.

Given my usual cocksure attitude you may be wondering why it took 19 days into November to gloat about my accomplishments? First and foremost I have been celebrating "Nomembah" Novembah to the fullest extent of the law. Secondly, apparently 40 hours a week writing about Viagra vaginal suppositories for fertility and researching the side effects of intracavernosal injections for erectile dysfunction (google image, i dare you) saps any and all desire to write when you get home. Semi-related side note before we continue, does anyone know how to clear a hard drive?

All kidding aside, I am proud that I didn't succumb to all you fiend-supporting, peer-pressuring, anti-Dr. Drew-like cocksuckers. Combining sobriety with MyFitnessPal and a consistent work out regimen I have lost 12 pounds since October 1. Hell, i''ll go as far to say I now look like Dan Marino minus the huge head and I didn't have the luxury of free meals from NutriSystem! My wallet has also put on a few pounds in the process = bonus points. Not to mention that 5 beers is enough to Notmembah Novembah!

Where did the motivation come from? It could have been the 4 hour blackout parade in the Old Port in late September after which I awoke with a severely swollen elbow and absolutely no recollection of 9pm-1am. Or it could have been remembering how much better I felt when I didn't have to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels to have a good time. But I think it was mostly not wanting to turn out like the Native Americans...

With all the extra time in October to try new activities what did I do? Well, I have picked up some new hobbies....

I've been Te-bowing a lot. Motherfucker just wins. Can't argue with 4-1. It's perplexing to me that every reporter in the industry jumps on Lebron James' dick because he's an oober-talented player. They ignore the fact that he's a whiny, sore-losing, bitch because he has mad skill. Yet Tebow, a squeaky-clean, hard-working, winner gets crucified every week (see what I did there?). I'll be rooting for my partner-in-crime-for-October-2011 to have a successful career.

I got on Twitter: @hackelbon #getatme. Facebook is a dying breed. Yet another case of constantly fidgeting with something good until it's no longer worth anyone's time #myspace. Facebook is to Joe Montana as Twitter is to Steve Young. #SATanalogy #passingthetorch #gohashtag. Twitter isn't perfect by any means, in fact, I still really have no idea what I am doing but the hashtag is baller.

I started smoking cigarettes. #psych

I fervently continued my obsessions with the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and Dexter while beginning new infatuations with Breaking Bad and Arrested Development.

JRE is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in a while. Thanks @takehizzle. Not only does JRE prove there are people that actually think about things more important than the Kardashians and the NBA lockout but it also gives me something to do at the gym. Side Rant: going to the gym sucks. I'm not sure if I got burned out from the year round lifting/testing at UMaine or if I don't like the smell of 55 sweaty humans in my nostrils but the gym sucks. The type of people there suck too. Either they: 1) have no idea what they are doing, 2) they think they are Terry Hogan, or 3) are stalking the slut in spandex. End Rant. Anyways, JRE keeps my mind off all the negatives long enough to get some work done #forminggoodhabits #positivethinking #ellipticalisformen

Dexter has become my second favorite TV series of all time behind South Park (Trey Stone and Matt Parker :: comedy as Watson and Crick :: DNA <---science joke FTW). The writers of Dexter supply me with what little faith I have in the human race. Well that plus listening to Taylor Swift sing. My Dark Passenger I thoroughly enjoy the show and its premise as much as we enjoy Taylor's beautiful voice.

As for Breaking Bad, it is Sodium bad ass.... #moresciencehumor #homonyms #periodictable. And it is precisely this enthusiasm for word play that has me addicted to Arrested Development. Pb right into that one perfectly.

So how did I fight the cravings? Itunes and self-control.

Now if you will excuse me I have to get back to what I do best: Crack a Bottle. #jackdaniels

Repeat Offender: greatest rapper of all time

BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: I Love This Bar - Toby Keith (66), Dust On The Bottle - Alan Jackson (47), Toxicity - System of a Down (12)

**does anyone ever notice the connections between the song names in the title and genius recommendations and their relevance to the point of the blog? because if not I should probably spend less time doing it...