I have no good transition here but the following is my presentation of a baseball-music analogy. I hope you enjoy/partially understand.
So there are 30 baseball teams in the major leagues (if you include the san diego padres). I'm going to play a game in which I make an analogous comparison for each team to a band/performer in my lifetime because goddamn it's been a long, boring, dragged out December...
We'll start off with the 1)New York Yankees. This is easy. A highly successful team that I can't fucking stand: Dave Matthews Band. I hate that motherfucker. But hit after hit (hehe) was highly successful among my peers. I don't get it. He sounds like a bitching, moaning, zany queer. So basically he's A-Rod minus the purple lips and steroids. The only DMB song I actually kinda like is Crash Into Me but every DMB fan says that is his worst song. Sounds a lot like Yankee fans and Derek Jeter circa 2011.
That was fun, let's continue. The 2)Boston Red Sox and Tim McGraw. The Red Sox are the local team around so you see all of their games. You end up rooting for them due to locality but you always end up disappointed. Likewise, you always hear Tim McGraw and people end up rooting for him more than they should solely due to exposure. And let's be perfectly honest, 80% of people go to see to the Red Sox or Tim McGraw go only to perv out on Faith Hill and Heidi Watney.
3) Atlanta Braves and Linkin Park. The Braves have always been my favorite team. 14 division titles in a row and 1 lousy world series. Just like Linkin Park. People have to respect them because they consistently "win" but they never put out that one stunner of a song/album so that they are considered great. I would say that In The End correlates to their one World Series but it kind of seems less important because of the multitude of other playoff failures. Quite the contrary, the 4)Florida/Miami Marlins are Damien Rice. Motherfuckers just load up for one year and win the World Series. Damien Rice has 4 of my top 10 favorite songs of all time and then a fuck ton of garbage. How do you go from perfection to utter shit so quickly?
5) Chicago Cubs and Backstreet Boys. The lovable losers.
6) Texas Rangers and Kelly Clarkson. Lots of Pop and no pitch. Zing.
7) Philadelphia Phillies and Taylor Swift. Lots of pitch and just enough Pop.
8) Cleveland Indians (of the early 90's) and Savage Garden (of the early 90's). Tons of hits, fun to watch, and you always find yourself rooting for them.
9) and 10) Minnesota Twins and Oakland A's, Brand New and Manchester Orchestra. Two bands with no fans that always end up in the playoffs. Great lyrics.
11) Arizona Diamondbacks and Britney Spears. HOT and talented (when they were young).
12) St. Louis Cardinals and Eminem. Consistently great over generations.
13) Kansas City Royals and Madonna. Consistently terrible over generations.
14) New York Mets and Jay-Z. Lots of money and lots of drugs.
15) Seattle Mariners and Alanis Morissette. Great run in the nineties.
16) Chicago White Sox and Michael Jackson. Black and white...
17) Colorado Rockies and Rihanna. Black and purple...
18)Baltimore Orioles and Celine Dion. They're my dad's favorite.
19) Anaheim Angels and Chris Brown. Both have mastered the hit and run.
20)Toronto Blue Jays and Avril Lavigne. Underrated and from Canada.
21)Tampa Bay Rays and Beyonce. Started winning after a name change but everyone misses Destiny's Child and the Devil Rays...especially Kelly Rowand and Fred McGriff.
22)San Francisco Giants and Cher. Really old, on steroids, and her hair is identical to Tim Lincecum's.
23)Pittsburgh Pirates and Blink 182. Their best player died young in an airplane accident.
24)San Diego Padres and Girl Talk. Mix a bunch of old parts together to try to make things work.
25)Milwaukee Brewers and Kid Rock. Both sponsored by Miller Lite.
26)Los Angeles Dodgers and Jennifer Lopez. Are hoping the divorce re-ignites the franchise.
27)Cincinnati Reds and Maroon 5. The Big Red Machine.
28)Houston Astros and Bone Thugs n' Harmony. The Killer B's.
29)Detroit Tigers and Kanye West. Asshole's of America.
30)Washington Nationals and Christina Aguilera. Huge contracts, no talent.
For the love of god somebody text me during my rotation, i swear no more dick pics...
Repeat Offender: Holiday in Spain (66), Mr. Jones (70)
BryTUNES Genius Recommendations: Anyone, Anyone - Dashboard Confessional (65), Wasting My Time - Default (34)
