Hello blog minions (great-word-combo), it's been awhile. Contrary to popular belief I was able to complete all 31 days of October successfully as sober as John the Baptist minus the red wine. *Heel-wrestler-like self-back-pat* I'd like to give a huge thanks to Concord Hospital for scheduling me on weekdays before music videos are on VH1 and when college football re-runs are still playing on ESPN. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd also like to give a shout out to Red Bull. Days on which I would usually put myself into an Artie-Lange-like drunken stupor (Stonehill golf outing, Bowdoin parents weekend) Red Bull offered an alternative beverage that slurred my words and gave me disgusting morning bowel movements. Kudos.
Given my usual cocksure attitude you may be wondering why it took 19 days into November to gloat about my accomplishments? First and foremost I have been celebrating "Nomembah" Novembah to the fullest extent of the law. Secondly, apparently 40 hours a week writing about Viagra vaginal suppositories for fertility and researching the side effects of intracavernosal injections for erectile dysfunction (google image, i dare you) saps any and all desire to write when you get home. Semi-related side note before we continue, does anyone know how to clear a hard drive?
All kidding aside, I am proud that I didn't succumb to all you fiend-supporting, peer-pressuring, anti-Dr. Drew-like cocksuckers. Combining sobriety with MyFitnessPal and a consistent work out regimen I have lost 12 pounds since October 1. Hell, i''ll go as far to say I now look like Dan Marino minus the huge head and I didn't have the luxury of free meals from NutriSystem! My wallet has also put on a few pounds in the process = bonus points. Not to mention that 5 beers is enough to Notmembah Novembah!
Where did the motivation come from? It could have been the 4 hour blackout parade in the Old Port in late September after which I awoke with a severely swollen elbow and absolutely no recollection of 9pm-1am. Or it could have been remembering how much better I felt when I didn't have to drink a fifth of Jack Daniels to have a good time. But I think it was mostly not wanting to turn out like the Native Americans...
With all the extra time in October to try new activities what did I do? Well, I have picked up some new hobbies....
I've been Te-bowing a lot. Motherfucker just wins. Can't argue with 4-1. It's perplexing to me that every reporter in the industry jumps on Lebron James' dick because he's an oober-talented player. They ignore the fact that he's a whiny, sore-losing, bitch because he has mad skill. Yet Tebow, a squeaky-clean, hard-working, winner gets crucified every week (see what I did there?). I'll be rooting for my partner-in-crime-for-October-2011 to have a successful career.
I got on Twitter: @hackelbon #getatme. Facebook is a dying breed. Yet another case of constantly fidgeting with something good until it's no longer worth anyone's time #myspace. Facebook is to Joe Montana as Twitter is to Steve Young. #SATanalogy #passingthetorch #gohashtag. Twitter isn't perfect by any means, in fact, I still really have no idea what I am doing but the hashtag is baller.
I started smoking cigarettes. #psych
I fervently continued my obsessions with the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast and Dexter while beginning new infatuations with Breaking Bad and Arrested Development.
JRE is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in a while. Thanks @takehizzle. Not only does JRE prove there are people that actually think about things more important than the Kardashians and the NBA lockout but it also gives me something to do at the gym. Side Rant: going to the gym sucks. I'm not sure if I got burned out from the year round lifting/testing at UMaine or if I don't like the smell of 55 sweaty humans in my nostrils but the gym sucks. The type of people there suck too. Either they: 1) have no idea what they are doing, 2) they think they are Terry Hogan, or 3) are stalking the slut in spandex. End Rant. Anyways, JRE keeps my mind off all the negatives long enough to get some work done #forminggoodhabits #positivethinking #ellipticalisformen
Dexter has become my second favorite TV series of all time behind South Park (Trey Stone and Matt Parker :: comedy as Watson and Crick :: DNA <---science joke FTW). The writers of Dexter supply me with what little faith I have in the human race. Well that plus listening to Taylor Swift sing. My Dark Passenger I thoroughly enjoy the show and its premise as much as we enjoy Taylor's beautiful voice.
As for Breaking Bad, it is Sodium bad ass.... #moresciencehumor #homonyms #periodictable. And it is precisely this enthusiasm for word play that has me addicted to Arrested Development. Pb right into that one perfectly.
So how did I fight the cravings? Itunes and self-control.
Now if you will excuse me I have to get back to what I do best: Crack a Bottle. #jackdaniels
Repeat Offender: greatest rapper of all time
BRYtunes Genius Recommendations: I Love This Bar - Toby Keith (66), Dust On The Bottle - Alan Jackson (47), Toxicity - System of a Down (12)
**does anyone ever notice the connections between the song names in the title and genius recommendations and their relevance to the point of the blog? because if not I should probably spend less time doing it...
