Billy Currington - Good Directions (80)

Billy Currington - Good Directions

I regret to inform everyone that i have broken a promise i made to myself roughly 14 years ago to never attend a NASCAR event.  The promise was actually more like, "I vow to myself to never attend any NASCAR event whatsoever, to avoid all conversations on the topic, to change ESPN upon reference to it, and to most certainly never sport any of its apparel."  So really, it was like i broke 4 promises to myself.

Hear me out on this one....

Last Thursday I was offered free tickets to the NASCAR event at my local YMCA.  I politely declined but was a little concerned that my appearance could, in any way shape or form, give off the impression that i would enjoy NASCAR.  Maybe i need to find a new gym?  No, i enjoy the solitude offered in the wellness center that provides me full freedom to use the elliptical and not feel like a "sissy-man" in front of other members.  Maybe they saw me driving around the parking-garage-circle a handful of times trying to find a pimp spot?  Not likely.  Maybe i smelt of booze and sweat?  Probably the most valid explanation, but i digress..

So i finished up my workout and hit the steam room.  But the whole time i was consumed with why the hell would someone offer me free NASCAR tickets?  There were plenty of other people standing there.  Why not them?  Finally some "company" joined me in the steam room and thoughts automatically shifted to "gross, how the fuck do i get out of here?" and that was the end of my brooding.

Then, sure enough, upon returning the next day for my rendez-vous with the "assisted pull up machine" that some also might consider less than manly, I was asked again to take the free tickets.  After throwing up in my mouth a little, I again declined...work out, steam room, you know the drill.  Again using much of my alone time in the steam room to mull over why me?

Being the philosophical I am, I began to wonder if this was somehow a sign.  Maybe I should go to NASCAR this weekend.  Maybe this is a valuable learning opportunity I can use to better myself.  NASCAR is widely popular (somehow)...maybe I am supposed to be there.  Possibly to save someone's life or to finally meet Taylor Swift?  I would never go to an event unless it was free.  This is free.  Fuck it, I'll take the tickets.

At this point I still hadn't broken a promise to myself.  Text to brother: "wanna go to NASCAR this weekend?".  Response: "Haha awesome yea let's do it".  Okay, now I had broken the promise.  We were officially attending.

Over the next 48 hours I fell back on the remainder of my promises.  ESPN talked about the "Sprint for the Cup", I cringed and listened.  Wal-Mart, Budweiser, NASCAR shirt, NASCAR hat, picture in front of Wal-Mart with NASCAR shirt and hat...check, check, check, check, and check.  Childhood-me would disown me for sure.  Then, came the event...


Earmuffs.


To put it simply, HOLY FUCKING CHRIST.  To say that this was a life-altering experience would be more of an understatement than saying John Lackey is an ugly fucking cunt who is by far the worst pitcher in the history of the major leagues.  I was oblivious to the fact that there were actually people in the world that existed like the people I saw today.

I'll start with the bad.

First of all I've never seen so many "THAT-GUY-IS-A-FUCKING-PARENT!?" people in my entire life.  This place was fucking enormous.  E. Normous.  Like 100,000 people.  That is a shit ton of people.  And every third person with child looked like they should literally be put down for the sake of humanity.

100,000 people!  Thats like two sold out Yankees-Red Sox games at once.  And in this 100,000 people there was exactly zero gay people, exactly zero black people, and exactly zero attractive females.  None.  100,000 straight up white trash, bible thumping, cousin-fucking, jean-short-wearing hillbillies.

I've never seen so many: men with two nipple rings, overweight men who enjoy having their shirt off, fluorescent ear plugs, full ham-leg concession stands (literally pig legs, like your more conventional chicken legs), RV campers, or patriotic morons in my entire life.  For the avid followers who may recall my trip to Fenway resulting in a 5% rate of people in attendance I would actually enjoy having a conversation with...I will gladly re-tract that statement and go on record saying that I would not only talk to, but marry and even have sex with 80% of said Fenway-goers (male and female) rather than having to talk to 5% of the NASCAR-goers.  Yikes.

Now, the worse...

 Since 2005, my parents have taken mentally handicapped clients into our house.  This is an extremely challenging and oftentimes frustrating job.  I am truly grateful that my parents have sacrificed over the years for the benefit of not only the clients but also me and my siblings.  We have made many friends that are forever a part of our lives:  Stone Cold Stevie Stetson, Uncle Joe, Pissy Chrissy, Sean Crable.

That being said, I am willing to say that I would gladly jump in the back seat of a car driven by any of the clients that have lived at our house than about 60% of the attendees I saw driving cars at this event.  Shocking. "Bro, look out, I'm pretty sure that person driving that car is mentally handicapped."  "Haha".  "No, seriously."  "Oh, shit you're right."

Okay.  Now that we've fully established that I'm going to hell, let's take a look at the good.

First and foremost I would like to give NASCAR drivers some respect.  This by no means signifies that I believe you are athletes, you are not.  But you are driving really fucking fast and there should be something said for that.  There were literally sparks coming off of the bottom of the cars coming around turns.  Color me impressed.  And they came literally within a dick-hair of hitting the wall every time they came around the corner turns.  Touchez.

Secondly, NASCAR itself has at least a few good things about it (never thought I'd see the day).  You can bring your own beer into the track!  That, my friends, is fucking awesome.  As long as you have a cooler no larger than 14 inches.  How is it that NASCAR is the only event that allows this?  That's beyond messed up.  Also, NASCAR has free event parking.  Literally the two biggest pain in the asses in any and all sporting events is parking and booze prices, and NASCAR has done away with both.  I was literally amazed.  Also, they basically had police escorts for all drunken idiots right to the highway.  Orange cones, closed lanes....they might as well crack your beer for you while reminding you to put your blinker on.

Lastly the people of NASCAR possessed 4 great qualities.  1) Loyalty.  2) Patience.  3) Civility. And 4) Great Pissing Accuracy.  1) These motherfuckers are loyal to the lord jesus christ and to dale earnhardt jr.  For real, i know a lot of people "obsessed" with the Red Sox or the Yankees...but they don't even scratch the surface of how obsessed these people are with their racers.  I would actually be scared if i were a driver.  2) Patience.  These motherfuckers sit there for 3 hours and watch cars go in circles.  Props to their patience.  We lasted 128 laps (a little over an hour).  Okay we get the point, let's beat all these retarded drivers to the highway.  3) Civility.  This is the most important one in my book.  I was truly impressed by the civility of the fans.  You put 100,000 truly retarded hillbillies at a track rooting for their respective idol drivers with 14 inch coolers full of Budweiser and what would you expect?  I figured I'd see over or under about 300 fights.  None.  Not even an altercation.  Thoroughly impressed.  I mean I was at the Old Port the night before and saw some dickhead fight in the middle of the street.  And that was a "normal" (relatively speaking) person who had to pay 4 bucks a beer or something absurd.  4)  Impeccable Pissing Accuracy.  And lastly, there were porta-potties you could eat off of at this place!  Unbelievable.  Every other public bathroom i've ever been in has literally been coated in a layer of STD-infested piss.  Not a drop of urine anywhere.

That's all I've got.  At least I didn't go to a soccer match.

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