Gunslinger- Avenged Sevenfold (40)

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To The Moon and Back - Savage Garden (44)

To The Moon and Back

Almost everyone in the world blindly believes that the United States of America put a man on the moon and that pisses me off. It is a ridiculous claim with minimal evidence that is commonly accepted as fact. Look, I am not an astronaut and neither are you, but lets use a little common sense to get to the bottom of this conspiracy.

I am a skeptic by nature. I am skeptical of government and I am skeptic of science. If you do not think for yourself and mindlessly accept "facts" from textbooks or the President of the United States then this discussion isn't for you...and you're a fucking moron.

I want to begin by eliminating all scientific evidence from our debate. How can this be logical you ask? Well we should all agree that it is logical to assume that prior to 1969 no one had ever been to the moon. That means the first person to successfully accomplish the feat of traversing space and landing on the moon can make all the rules. That is to say, NASA and the US government could tell you that there are 1 million shit-colored chickens baking pasta on the moon and we would have to believe them until proven otherwise. This is a completely fair argument and I don't care what anyone else says. If only one person or group of people have been to a certain place it is completely feasible that they are full of shit until others can confirm the correctness of their descriptions. This is especially true when there are unfathomable consequences associated with being the first person reach said destination as was the case with the moon (we will talk about the Space Race and its consequences in due time.)

Now, that being said, the world believes that starting on July 21, 1969 over a 41-month period that 12 US astronauts aboard 6 US space missions stepped foot on the moon. So let's really think about this for a second. You're expecting me to believe that every single time any person has claimed to ever step foot on the moon it occurred between July 21, 1969 and December 14, 1972? And that it was the same nation every time? Not to mention it occurred during the "Space Race" which just so happens to be one of the most critical (if not the most critical) victory in the modern era for said nation. In the famous words of Terrell Owens, "if it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, it probably is a rat."

This is fucking ridiculous. You're telling me that we fucking LANDED ON THE MOON BEFORE WE INVENTED: the barcode (1973), inkjet printer (1976), personal computers (1975), and MRI scanners (1977). That during the year 1971 when we first became privy to e-mail, the floppy disk, and the microprocessor that we were also prancing around on the moon? And that NOBODY has been back to the moon in nearly 40 YEARS? Are you serious?

And don't give me the usual ignorant and overused bullshit reasons about why no one has been back either...

Usual Dumb Argument #1: "Why would we go back if we've already been there?"... This is the most ridiculous argument i have ever heard. Gee, we already sailed across the Atlantic to discover America let's never go back there. We're fucking humans--we're adventurous, curious, and starved for attention/glory/fame. And if you don't think that crazy Christians would like to claim the fucking moon in the name of Jesus then you're off your rocker. If people could go back there, they sure as hell would. And not to mention, you mean to tell me that we're 40 years ahead of the rest of the planet in technology? Newsflash chief, we bought German scientists (after the Nazi party's demise) to "get us to the moon" ...we didn't even do it ourselves. Plus, other countries similarly purchased German scientists and had access the same information.

Usual Dumb Argument #2: It's expensive... Ha. So is Alex Rodriguez's 250 million dollar contract. Wikipedia said it costed the US 20-25 billion dollars to complete all of the Apollo missions. So it costs us 100 Alex Rodriguez's to go to the moon. I would take that deal 100 times out of 100. The less steroid using, purple-lipped, metrosexuals in the world the better. Has anyone seen our national debt by the way? What's another 20-25 billion? Dude we fucking invented money by the way...so it should be of no concern if we really put our minds to going to the moon. Just swoop in and get all the resources you need and tell the poor bastards you're stealing from you'll shoot their brains out if they refuse.

So now we can agree to disregard all scientific evidence either for or against proving that we landed on the moon until Russia, England or Uganda (joke alert) sends someone to the moon and gives us the ability to check the validity of the United States' claims. But just for shits, if you're interested in this argument...click here

Now to answer the question you've all been dying to ask: Why would the US fake landing on the moon? The answer is the Space Race.

Before I break things down with one of my patented metaphors, I'll give a brief (ever so brief) summary of the historical events leading up to the "moon landings". So Russia and the US were Allies against Germany and the Axis powers in World War II. Upon defeating the Germans the US and Russia were two dominating world powers that despite combining to defeat the Axis powers disagreed on a number of political fronts. The disagreements between the two nations spurred the "Cold War" which wasn't an actual war per se with guns and tanks but it was a propaganda-filled, espionage-laden, nuclear arms race to take over the world. That is, the US and Russia (USSR) were competing in a "war" to use technology and influence of neutral nations to essentially take over the world. This "competition" ultimately turned into a race to the moon...the "Space Race". So when the Russians launched Sputnik, the first earth-orbiting satellite, in 1957 it officially started the race to the moon. The first nation to reach the moon was understood to be the victor of the "Cold War" and the "Space Race" and consequently be the metaphorical ruler of the world. Or something like that.

Why would we lie about landing on the moon? Oh just to become the world dominating powerhouse the United States has become thats why. To reassure the people of your nation that the American Government is in control of the world and can do anything it sets its mind to. I would say thats a pretty good reason to lie.

Metaphor time.

Lets imagine that all the parents of the world are the United States and all of the children of the world are Russia. The parents and children are in a race to take over the world. In a brilliant move by the parents they claim existence of a place (moon) where thousands of 4 foot tall elves (NASA) slave away year round making toys so that once a year, on the birth of Jesus Christ (US Government), a fat man with a beard (Neil Armstrong) will climb down their chimney and leave them a number of presents (footprints). Game, set, match parents/US.

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